MUSINGS

THIS IS THE GENERAL/NONSENSE/INDIGNANT RANTINGS PAGE, MOST RECENT FIRST

New entries have the title highlighted in yellow

Click on the link to see the full list in our spectacular 50 GREATEST HORSES  

A token point to point picture, from Catsfield, to give the page a bit of colour. Will synchronised jumping ever catch on as a sport?

SPIN OUT OF HAND

As usual, when the site has a rare comment on flat racing, it seems to be driven by someone being supremely daft. All the media outlets for racing just last week made a big fuss that lack of a large venue with a dirt track was stopping the Breeders Cup being staged in the UK. Much more significantly, the even spokesman pointed out that as all the stakeholders, who put up the cash by various means for the prizes, are in North America, and have zero interest in the disadvantage to their horses of running overseas. Never let the facts get in the way of a good story...

RUGBY WORLD CUP LATTER STAGES

Most Amusing Moment: The French press headlines describing the third place game loss to Argentina as 'a true fiasco' and 'a pitiful end.' Although, as Lewis Hamilton found out, the press are not very forgiving to those who fail to live up to the media's overdone expectation.

Most Surprising Moment: England getting into the final

Most Worrying Moment: Realising that South Africa trusted their defence totally and looked like they had a bit more to find in attack if it was needed.

Most Strange Moment: There were not huge numbers of South Africans in the areas of Paris I visited (collectively they can be described as bars within sight of the Gare du Nord), but those that were had their celebrations in a rather muted fashion, as if it was a relief to win more than a delight

OBITUARY - BREGAWN

King of the "do it when I, and only I, feel it is necessary" brigade, and probably it was inevitable that he would last longest of the Famous Five. The Racing Post had just about every other base covered, but Steve Dennis' full page article on how Bregawn guided his perspective on betting, and indeed life, was outstanding.

CONSPIRACIES

Whilst 'The Counterfeiters' looks like it may be a very decent film, it surely will pale in comparison with the classic British television series on the same topic, 'Private Schultz.' And the race fixing trial is not far behind for comedy value, and they have only been going a few days...Comic Shop Guy from The Simpsons verdict - Worst Fraudulent Conspiracy EVER!

RUGBY WORLD CUP KNOCK-OUTS

The Australians defied their traditional approach in the support and took being knocked out on the chin (so to speak) without any spurious whinging, as NZ seemed to, despite a rather obvious forward pass on the decisive French score. However, Scotland seemed to have an attack on unrealistic expectations, and acted as if a losing quarter final was a dreadful flop. However, in the professional age, Scotland have been the country that has lost out most, and this was quite beyond their control (and has passed by the disproportionate number of ex-Scotland internationals floating around in the media). When the game was semi-amateur, and everyone muddle along, Scotland were able to keep in touch with the countries that had larger playing strengths, and every so often pop up a pretty decent side, due to the generally shambolic nature of the game. In the professional era, not only has the small number of players in the country become a problem, the club sides have helped bring up to full test match class players from the former lesser nations that had a sizeable playing contingent - Argentina, Samoa, Fiji and Tonga in particular. For simple reason of rugby not being quite a national obsession, Scotland are being caught by those countries. Of course, Ireland may have found themselves in the same boat, where it not for the fact that it is possibly the most sport obsessed country in Europe. There were reportedly two pseudo-intellectuals in a Dublin coffee shop claiming not to like sport once, but they were only pretending to start a debate on the topic...

HOW CAN THIS BE?

UK-Jumping recently had the chance to visit Belmont Park, a sadly flat only oasis in the urban sprawl on western Long Island. Given the amount of space, turf course available and the rather substantial portion of the local populace that are of Irish descent, it is impossible to believe that some form of jump racing has not established itself there, even if it were one or two races a week, as at Saratoga.

ADVERTISING STANDARDS

It has not gone unnoticed that Virgin Rail have taken to using the theme from 'Big Train' for their TV advertising. Those with not so long memories may recall that Big Train was innovative, surreal, witty and often hilarious comedy. Whereas travelling on Virgin is simply tragic.

RUGBY WORLD CUP

Highlights of the group games

1: Fiji beating Wales

2: Argentina qualifying

3: Fiji vs Japan

4: Murray Mexted's 'kid in a sweet shop' wonder when asked to commentate on the lesser nations

5: Fiji beating Wales (again)

6: The increased number of competitive matches

7: Being on a plane and not having to watch South Africa vs England

8: The Tongan reserve scrum-half's mullet - a true tribute to Shane Byrne

9: Having four 'winner takes all' games on the final weekend

Disappointments of the group games

1: Italy not beating Scotland

2: Georgia not getting the upset over Ireland

3: France having to play New Zealand in the quarter-finals when you have backed them (Allez Les Bleus!)

THIRD WAY NEEDED

Rugby World Cup prompted, it becomes clear that two apparently opposite theories have a gap to fill between them. Watching the close and enjoyable match between Fiji and Japan, in which the islanders appeared to have hands that are no longer capable of catching a rugby ball, and reading Bruce Millington's column in the Racing Post, where he clearly enjoys sport but has a problem with those involve any brains to follow, it is obvious some human traits are neither derived from a Darwinian need for a natural advantage nor any vaguely Intelligent Design.

AND A THIRD WAY FOUND

Due to timing convenience, I was forced to watch the rugby highlights on S4C. Still as disappointing imbalance of chat over action, but as I could not understand a word of it, the raising of ire for pundits being paid to sit and talk rubbish did not occur. Much more enjoyable all round. Will they do racing?

THE MAIDENS OF SUMMER

*** Extended to the end of September due to loss of opportunities in the real summer ***

After seeing some promising non-winners at Worcester, I thought of keeping an ongoing maidens table, but it will be rendered pointless the next time I see Secrets Out. For now, the leader board is as follows, and after a pretty spectacular turnout at Uttoxeter on 18th July, the qualification for this elite is now 20 failures.

Impero                40    at 18/7/07

Purr                     36    at 13/5/07

Spider Boy          36    at 18/7/07

Monsieur Georges  33   at 18/7/07

Full On                32    at 18/7/07

Mapilat Du Moulin  29   at 9/9/07 (a rise of one place since May, and working hard at losing)

Kalic D'Alm         26    at 19/7/07

Star Galaxy        23    at 19/7/07

Find The Way    21    at 15/4/07 (plus 7 point-to-points!)

Norseman Cateline  21    at 9/9/07

The Teuchter     21    at 18/7/07       * * * A WINNER SOON AFTER * * *

Eurocelt              20    at 13/5/07       * * * A WINNER NEXT TIME * * *

Noadibou            20    at 18/7/07

Teorban              20    at 15/4/07

THE BIG NEWBURY CROWD

As Towcester has already proven, Newbury so discovered - people will turn up for anything that's free. And comparing the crowd to that for the expensive Hennessy Gold Cup day was a bit of a chalk and cheese scenario. But the real difference is that no other sponsor than Dubai can provide sumptuous freebies in defiance of all commercial logic. Except maybe Ryanair, but what sort of a freebie is that?

ASCOT

Loathe as I am to defend Ascot or flat racing, some of the press coverage around the track in recent months has been really, really idiotic. As regards crowds at the Royal meeting and the quality of the King George, year on year comparisons are statistically valueless, and with the new stand, the 2006 meeting surely was inhabited by the sort of sheep of turn up at anything as a one-off because it is new. As the course observed, the 2006 King George attracted the highest average rating of the runners of any flat race in the world. On this sort of evidence, the wet July means that we should be abandoning all winter racing, for ever more. Starting now.

FOLKESTONE

Rare as it is for Folkestone to be at the cutting edge of anything but earthquakes, the new link up with Pompadour, in France, did provoke some investigation. As well as racing, the track stages all sorts of mad animal related events (the National Donkey Show on Bastille Day, for instance) and after a flight to Limoges (from Southampton, Stansted, Liverpool, Nottingham, Newcastle or Manchester, but sadly most are Ryanair), it is but a short rural train ride to Arnac-Pompadour, with the station right next to the track. It looks well worth a visit. Imagine that - inspired by Folkestone.

WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT

On one single day, the world of entertainment was rocked by the deaths  of Ingmar Bergman, Phil Drabble and Mike Reid. To commemorate 'Black Monday' it is proposed by this very site to produce a short film. The plot synopsis is that in a world over run with bird flu and insane megalomaniac civil servants, a sheepdog is playing chess with Death, and on checkmate, someone cries "runaround." At this point, the loser is asked a general knowledge multiple choice question and runs off to stand on a podium representing the chosen answer. If the answer is correct, it is a draw.  The working title is 'One Mike And His Seventh Dog Seal.' For purely publicity gathering purposes, the director is planned to Terry Gilliam, and Death will be played by Tom Cruise (on some stilts). Offers of funding to the usual email address.

RACING POST ON SUNDAY'S 'WEEK AHEAD' FEATURE

For those who do not get the paper on the Lord's Day due to some bizarre principle or because it is priced the same as the Saturday edition despite being half the size, then a fascinating psychological phenomena is being missed. The Week Ahead pages are a list of the coming week's features, highlighting any special events, arrangements or offers in that period. This depends entirely on what the racecourses submit (Worcester's special freebie - How to Rescue Someone Washed Away by the River Severn - has yet to feature), and the text from the submitters is clearly being reproduced word for word. Thus we are able to see how totally self-delusional the big racecourses are about what racegoers think of them, and how desperate the smaller ones are to make mountains out of molehills. But as most Post readers would be fairly regular racegoers who now for themselves that if you go to certain tracks there will be no superstars but fun competitive racing and others are just staging a drink up with racing in the background, what is the point of the pretence?

THE ONGOING CORRUPTION STORIES

Certain areas of the press have become very Messianistic (made up word, but does the job) about this. In some instances very validly, in other cases - where a rider has done no more than express an opinion that proved correct, and picked up a reward for it - with less strength of case. However, we should remember two of the latest innovations in the betting market, spreads and exchanges. How did these take off? Advertising for sure, but also by entertaining, buttering up and even giving preferential rates to journalists to mention them in columns where the writer had a more or less free role on the topic. A comparison worth bearing in mind.  

TWO DIFFERENT MARKETING PHILOSOPHIES

Two adjacent adverts in the Racing Post. One reveals that with every £5 Tote bet at Lingfield this summer, the bettor receives a free scratch card. Top of the 100,000 prizes is a new car, but there are some decent cash and betting voucher offers, free drinks and free badges. Anyone with an intention to bet £20 can presumably get four, even if they have to visit four Tote windows. The other reveals that there is a London Festival of Racing, which involves a 'week of racing.' In fact it is the two day Eclipse meeting at Sandown with a shabby Kempton night dirt racing meeting either side of it, and the man used to promote it is the twenty-years-past-his-sell-by-date Mcririck. Things look good for Lingfield...

ANOTHER LESSON IN SPORT

The bickering, gamesmanship, cheating and whining are fantastic fun, but in the America's Cup, it is the actual racing that is desperately dull. Perhaps they need to have 46 boats in a race on an area the size of a cricket pitch.

WHY NOBODY SANE BELIEVES BOOKMAKERS' PR GUFF

The VCBet piece in the Racing Post on the Greyhound Derby was the latest, where they bemoaned the fact that they were down as heavy losers on ante-post betting for the three heading the market prior to the quarter-finals. Yet looking at their prices on the same day, of the other 21 runners, they were clear top price about none, and joint top price about nine. Hardly a sign of being desperate to balance their book - and VCBet were also still joint longest about one of the dogs that they bemoaned. Of course, their two worst outcomes both were knocked out...

In the interest of balance, after the Derby with the tabloids screeching in the usual ill-informed hysterical fashion about the amount a Dettori win cost bookmakers, one bookies PR did point out that the figure quoted was the payout not the net loss. But credit cannot be given where credit is due, because I have forgotten who it was.

IS THIS A RHETORICAL QUESTION

Another of which I was reminded. It could just be shoddy script writing, but as it was from Sky Sports News, it probably is guff-witted, and is cricket related

"Scotland and Ireland in action today in the Friends Provident Trophy after their World Cup heroics." Ireland yes. Scotland heroically played 3 and lost 3

It's about spin again. Two recent examples of complete cobblers.

The Premiership pleased as punch as the addition of 150,000 spectators shows, they say, interest continuing to rise. Well, Arsenal's increased capacity in the new stadium saw nearly 400,000 extra fans whose only added interest was the ability to get a ticket. So a net drop then, which is entirely dependent on the capacities of the clubs promoted over or under those relegated.

A weekend of rugby league in a deserted giant stadium in Cardiff. Apart from the only three blokes in South Wales that do really care who wins out of Hull FC and Hull KR, all it did was annoy the real fans who either spent a miserable day or two stuck in Bank Holiday traffic (and, as the Racing Post observed, destroying the environment), or they did not go at all because of expense and inconvenience. It was clearly, to anyone who watched a few seconds, not the tremendous success that was claimed. 

Are there enough people who are so idiotic that all this effort is worth making?

NIGERIAN ELECTION

One state governor gets over 100% of the vote at the first count. The ruling party wins a senate seat in a region where they fielded no candidates. Shame on you Nigeria, it is nearly as bad as Scotland.

BRITISH ELECTION

After their election successes, the Scottish Nationalists and Plaid Cymru have really come of age. It is clear that the upsurge in results came because plenty of people felt obliged to vote, and finding no party that had an especially attractive manifesto, went for someone who was not Labour, Tory or Lib Dem. However, arriving on the big stage the SNP and PC have joined the big three in overlooking this uncomfortable truth, so qualifying as genuine politicians.

OMINOUS SIGNS

After improving under pressure against the Sportsman, is the paper copy of the Racing Post getting complacent again. Recent greyhound advance cards have become shambolic, last Saturday's most recent example being the Oxford runners in Opens being put in and then replicated for a different race 15 minutes later. And on the same day, with nothing other than a big Scoop 6 to rattle on about, they could only be bothered to print one race of form for Hexham runners - this being the sport's flagship publication. Poor show.

FOOTBALL PHAFF

Overlooked on the original update was the Great Last Day Conspiracy. Aside from the Sheffield Utd - Wigan collusion and the Ferdinand R will not stitch up Ferdinand A thoughts (they may be close relations, but that does not necessarily mean they like each other), nobody seemed to notice the real connivance. Two minutes into injury time, Liverpool are 1-2 down at home to Charlton, when a visiting player leaps into the air at a corner, and despite no pressure or any form of Liverpool challenge, handles the ball. Penalty and 2-2. I tuned into Match of the Day, where they did not name the miscreant, or manage to show a replay, even for the pundits to take the mick at the raging stupidity. So if this was not an Italianesque end of season favour (to the detriment of anti-Liverpool punters), what is?

THE NATIONAL TIPSTER'S

Plenty of professionals in the media put forward Hedgehunter, L'Ami, Eurotrek and Numbersixvalverde as their tips. Their respective weights were 11-12, 11-8, 11-8 and 11-3. In the last 20 runnings the only winners to lug 11 stone or more round are Rhyme 'n' Reason (11-0) and Hedgehunter (11-1). This is not a statistical anomaly, as there are sound explanations for this. In a generally solidly paced race, the energy required to carry high weights around is greater than in shorter races, so lower weights have a commensurately greater edge. Also, the changes to the fences have lessened the specialist factor that the like of Red Rum and West Tip benefitted from. Take out those who have not won a chase of 3 miles or more and the novices, and you have a much shorter list of contenders, eliminating many popular tips. It even would have included Silver Birch, although for most of us, somewhere near the bottom...

THERE'S ALWAYS AN IDIOT

Due to the big staying chases all being won by the same horse, John Randall was unable to use the Racing Post for his annual anti-Gold Cup rant of refusing to accept that the winner is the champion staying chaser. So, adopting his normal 'my opinion is fact' approach (ironic for the man entrusted with the paper's custodianship of obscure genuine facts), he declared that winning the Betfair Lancashire Chase and Tingle Creek chases were Kauto Star's best run of the season. Voy Por Ustedes Cheltenham success gives the latter a squeak, but Randall preferred the former, in which Kauto Star beat:

Beef Or Salmon (no wins in his career when travelling overseas), 

L'Ami (last win a novice chase in Jan 2005)

Ollie Magern (his only defeat of less than 30 lengths since October 2005)

Iris's Gift (retired without racing again)

Kingscliff (9th in the Gold Cup on only subsequent run)

Whereas at Kempton & Cheltenham, Kauto Star beat Exotic Dancer, winner of the Paddy Power & Boylesports.com Gold Cups, and after Randall's article, winner of the Betfair Bowl. As Kauto Star was an extra six lengths ahead at Kempton, if there was a better run than Cheltenham, it was surely the King George?

IT RUMBLES ON

The post-Cheltenham debate, that is, in regard to Kauto Star and Denman, with their esteemed trainer getting a bit under the collar. In the case of Denman, there was the problem that he had yet to tackle a race as competitive over fences as he would find at Cheltenham. But it was not his fault that others had shirked from taking him on, other horses were mostly in the same boat, and unlike, say, an Iris's Gift, he had not in the weaker races been blundering round like a bull in a china shop. Kauto Star on the other hand, had shown an obvious achilles heel, and to think that the mistakes may be occasional but cannot be survived every time, we only have to go back as far as Moscow Flyer for evidence (or the 2005/6 version of Kauto Star).

CRICKET WORLD CUP

Whinging began almost as soon as the group games, peaking with a whole load of rent-a-quotes complaining that the Indians and Pakistanis elimination devalued the competition. What they are in effect saying is once the seedings are done, we might as well give the trophy to the number one, just in case they get beaten along the way. And it was not as if the weather or some other act of god dictated the results - Bangladesh and Ireland won their key games fair and square.

BURN A HERETIC

Thursday 28th May, Ballygorey, a son of Chasmarella, has a second bumper run. The Racing Post spotlight describes the horse as 'the second foal of of an ordinary mare.' This heresy cannot be allowed to persist. Although it has taken an awful long time for the dam to get a second foal racing, she cannot be blamed for the number of occasions in her racing career that she was not off...

IRELAND - SCOTLAND RUGBY

After a long spell without one, it was good, via David Pearson, to see Wales finally provide a decent ref onto the international scene. As far as the end of the Wales - Italy game goes, it seemed to me that there would have been time for the lineout if the Welsh players had shown any urgency, but the forwards just started to shuffle in the vague direction of the throw, the backs milled around aimlessly and when they got ready to take it, far more than 10 seconds had elapsed. Also, for the distance gained by kicking, what was the benefit (with the risk of lineout error) compared to keeping the ball in hand?

CHELTENHAM REVIEW

Tuesday: The Arkle looked a very decent race given that until two out, no contenders had been knocked out by bad jumping or bad luck, leaving it to be won on merit. The William Hill Trophy must be the race of this and many other festivals. It remains impossible to get excited about the cross country chase or the juvenile handicap hurdle (a consolation for expensively bought underachievers), but at least they get out of the way quickly.

Wednesday: Gutsy effort by Massini's Maguire from the front, but did it bottom him? Denman splendid, as hoped - will he regularly take on Kauto Star next year? Voy Por Ustedes convincing enough to think that he would have been thereabouts even with Well Chief around. Coral Cup and Fulke Walwyn the usual cavalry charges with the odd hard luck story in behind.

Thursday: Inglis Drever looked a classy champion in 2005 and proved it this time by making things as hard for himself as possible. Some idiot broadcaster in Corals said Tony McCoy coming off of Black Jack Ketchum was a soft unseated! Backing Character Building lived up to his name. Happy early, cursing the rider for being penned on the inner when they bunched up, then happy when he was avoiding the trouble on the outer, then the horse seems set to win only to veer right when he hit open space - at least justifying the earlier tactics. Nice to see Tom Doyle get a break in the Pertemps, but Material World would have been a worthy winner also. Taranis very impressive - perhaps pre-Festival he lost out in the greater fuss surrounding some of his stable mates.

Friday: Kauto Star a bit special, but by deduction Exotic Dancer and Turpin Green no mugs either. The Triumph continues to shape like a sensible betting medium. Shame that there were no heroics from the obscure in the Foxhunters, but Andreas must rate a fairly unlikely candidate for winning a competitive handicap. If Kauto Star score highly, how well should Wichita Lineman be marked, as he was going to win easily even without the fall of his only rival at the last.

THE MIRACLE CURE

Dateline: Sat 10th Mar. I am ill and just lazing in front of the television. Football Focus comes on, and as the remote is out of sight, it is left to chunter out is normal, vacuous inoffensive way on to the rugby. Then the airhead presenter issues seven words that strike horror into the listener, but the feeling does give the adrenalin rush to do something about changing the channel and do so in less than two seconds. What were they? 'Now he is talking to Garth Crooks.'

CHELTENHAM 2007

Carried away with the glorious successes of last year, this time around the site picks are below, although I have reluctantly left off Honourable Spider for the Foxhunters' as, in the words of Panic! At The Disco, "it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality."

Character Building: National Hunt Chase (4 miler)

Tidal Fury: each-way for the Arkle Chase

plus some more obvious dabbles...

Well Chief: Queen Mother (or Newmill, or both if the odds permit)

Monet's Garden; Ryanair Chase (the field could cut up if the sponsors are transporting the Irish contenders)

Flight Leader: Brit Insurance Hurdle

My Turn Now: each-way for the Ballymore Properties Hurdle

Tyson: each-way for the Supreme Novice Hurdle

(This last pair are entered in both races, and will probably both run in the wrong one)

HAYDOCK

The news about re-arranging the layout at Haydock does not make sense, as the idea is based on cost. If we assume that 60% of the races at their 10 jumps meetings were run on the hurdle course, 100% of 8 means that usage jumps from 6 to 8 meetings, with all the added maintenance effort. It seems a false economy, and the inevitable source of a conspiracy theory. Mind you, the clerk of the course admitted that they wanted more mediocre flat meetings with the once-a-year racegoers knocking back champagne, so it is another punch in the gob for people whose priority is the racing.

MORE ON THE TOP 100 RIDES

A quote, not mine, on the topic of Andrew Thornton's ride on Kingscliff, was that it was a doubly good effort as once the reins broke, the horse had to be made to jump the fences and also steered whilst avoiding the rider's guide dog...

Other supreme nominations not mentioned in the paper came with a Richard Dunwoody ride in a seller at Plumpton, where the horse (name forgotten) jumped the last in sixth and steered a mazy path up the short, narrow run-in to win, and JP McNamara's effort on Colonel Frank where the tack broke and he rode the horse by clinging onto it's mane, winning in a photo.

SIX NATIONS THOUGHT

The French back row that lined up for the Ireland game was Chabal, Betsen and Harinordoquy. Any team that fields that trio and fails to win a game really would need a good kick in the nether regions. As should people who did not back them at odds against. Ouch.

ENGLISH FAIR PLAY

A sad loss of traditional values was demonstrated in the cricket after Australia took a dive to try and produce a commercially rewarding one day series final against England, only for England to win it. It's not, erm, cricket

TOP 100 "TOP 100" LISTS 

Always a very dubious concept, the 100 greatest rides list in the Racing Post has been more naff than it's predecessors as it is exclusively concerned with big races (when the truly inspired moments are conjuring wins from the relatively talent free performer) and far too biased towards very recent history. That has not stopped it throwing up the odd gem, and my favourite has been Frank Wise, who crept in at 46 for winning the 1929 Irish Grand National despite having only one leg, having lost the other to injury in the First World War. Amazingly, as the artificial limb technology could not have been especially advanced at the time, he won the Tipperary Hunt Cup two years earlier after remounting. Although it was not mentioned, he probably was Irish light-middleweight boxing champion, and a gallant second in the marathon.

FREE SPEECH - NOT ALLOWED IN FOOTBALL 

Ian Holloway was threatened with disciplinary action for the following utterance, "Sepp Blatter: you are an idiot. Put the rules back to what they should be. He is a complete lunatic." The fact that he was completely correct is an irrelevance - he should be entitled to an opinion, and it only goes to confirm that you cannot beat football administrators for tinpot dictatorism (a made up word in lieu of a more appropriate one - perhaps despotism would be better).

AIG CHAMPION HURDLE 

Unless I did not read it in enough detail, one aspect of the Irish race that got overlooked were the ages of the first three home. At 10, 9 and 8 they were the two oldest and joint third oldest in the race. With none of them seeming to be Rooster Booster style late developers and thus unlikely to be improving, the current golden generation of Irish 2 mile hurdlers may not have a batch of similar talents following hard on their heels. 

STATING THE OBVIOUS 

Last week (ending 28th Jan), with brief bad weather and threats of worse problems, the jump racing routine made a tremendous effort and kept the show on the road, with only one meeting lost - Lingfield, due to waterlogging. Given that the track is built across a steady incline, which increases sharply at the southern end, is it any wonder that building a huge flat concrete triangle to put the all-weather on completely messed up the drainage? Dirt racing really screws you up!

CONFIRMATION ARRIVES THAT...

David Ashforth lives in an alternate reality to the human race - he thinks Fontwell needs a big screen. When they have one, it gets in the way of the action, and it is barely 450 yards from one end of the course to the other.

Darts is a participation sport - the two world championships in quick succession that rely on providing alcoholics with marker pens

Tony Bliar has joined David Ashforth's reality - in blaming the media for the insurgency (or whatever you choose to call it) in Iraq

Madness descends on us all - I am currently planning to go and watch one game in the rugby world cup: Namibia vs Georgia in Lens.

THE 2006 UK-JUMPING AWARDS

Same rules as last year - no prizes, just glory.

Horse of the Year

Almanshood   (because he was the longest price on-course winner I backed all year)

Trainer of the Year

Nick Williams   (for consistent solid results with the right sorts of horses, but without too much media fanfare, and because someone called Williams seems to win it every other year)

Jockey of the Year

Leighton Aspell   (because we have no repeat winners and Leighton Aspell did not win it last year)

Owner of the Year

Mrs Elizabeth Heal   (for persevering heroically with Treasulier despite the horse's stubborn refusal to progress or decline from the non-winning standard that it has become accustomed to) 

Course of the Year

Huntingdon   (despite abolishing one gate that provided convenient access to the best viewing point, and for being the only track where I have seen a wild stoat)

Special Achievement

Kempton Park     (for removing a product that their regular flat racegoers wanted, replacing it with something that attracts 3 men and a dog at Lingfield and Southwell, and wondering why nobody turns up. The upside was that it has made the jumping better...)

KAUTO STAR

There is going to be some rather frenzied activity on the exchanges come mid-March. What do we expect? A Haydock-style problem free round? A Kempton heart in mouth series? Or is he due to not get away with them forever?

ONE TO RECONSIDER

Placing horses to best exploit race conditions is just one of the challenges thrown at trainers, but Ascot made life pretty difficult on 16th Nov, when the terms for the Ascot Hurdle ended up with dual Champion Hurdle hero Hardy Eustace receiving weight from Fire Dragon, Mighty Man, No Refuge and Self Defense.

TACT AND DIPLOMACY

When a New Zealander described the Welsh rugby team as the village idiots of world rugby, the outcry rather overlooked the accuracy of his statement - even though they had not picked their most gormless player - as highlighted on this page earlier, when it was pointed out that sporting the word Brain's on their shirts is beyond parody. However, we have to be clear in this instance that the words were carefully chosen by the insulter, because no New Zealander is going to have the cheek to refer to anyone else as sheep shaggers.

ON THE SUBJECT OF WALES

Given how he has become flavour of the month to the mainstream media, I would gloatingly point out that Evan Williams was in fact Trainer of the Year on Uk-Jumping for 2004! Bandwagon jumpers, that is all they are...

SANITY ABOUT TO PREVAIL

We know that the last people the racecourses take any notice of are racegoers, so this trend of moronic meeting names (The Open Meeting - which it is anything but - or the North West Masters, surely a fourth division darts tournament) could not be stopped. Now there are the first signs of it being lampooned in the written media, which can only be a good thing.

DETROIT CITY - AN APOLOGY

A couple of times I have suggested that his job, as Triumph Hurdle winner, was to stuff up numerous ten to follow entries. In winning the Greatwood Handicap Hurdle (a Grade 3 race) from the front, under top weight by fourteen lengths, Detroit City has achieved already far more than many of his predecessors. However, the presence of Caraman, running in sellers eighteen months ago, should give a hint of caution regarding the Champion Hurdle, for the moment at least.

TOP WEIGHT

On Monday at Leicester, on ATR, Mike Cattermole made a point about Mr Splodge being a small horse to be lugging around the maximum burden, although adding a qualifier that it might be a trick of the eye as his jockey was so tall. But of course, the horse does not know he has top weight, and can a horse sense the difference between 11-12 and 11-0? So there is no morale effect on the horse. But does the knowledge affect connections approach to the race, tactically? The confidence of his rider? Is the human element over-riding (excuse the pun) the equine element. What if the horse is getting mixed messages from different people involved? Does this prove that there are so many questions, ifs, buts and what nows that we should cease trying to rationalise it? It certainly gives you an appreciation of how hard conspiracy theorists work.

6 TO FOLLOW TIP FOR NEXT YEAR

As we all now there is a small clump of people whose names crop up as owners of the very top jumpers, and usually most expensive ones, with great regularity. In 6 To Follow terms, this has an impact as John Hales seems to be the guy who has much worse than average luck with his horses picking up long term injuries. Noland was this year's Mister Banjo Trophy winner, but for 2007/8, pick no Hales horses. This advice comes free of charge, and like Noland's injury news, just too late to be of use this season. 

A BACKWARD STEP

During his intermittent appearances as a pundit on BBC, Norman Williamson has attracted plenty of positive reaction for being a purveyor of common sense. However, he showed signs of going native recently, when asked to comment on War Of Attrition's comeback run. Beating two relatively outclassed rivals, two that dropped away absurdly early and Watson Lake when that individual was swiftly eased down when it appeared that War of Attrition was not stopping did no more than secure a win. Norman observed that it proved that War Of Attrition had improved since last season. Either NW was talking a bit of cobblers or the Cheltenham Gold Cup is not what it was 8 months ago...

A BACKWARD STEP 2

After the fiasco at Kempton, where the course spent a fortune on refurbishing it exactly how the regular customers did not want it, and in complete defiance of the pitiful crowds at all-weather meetings, the man in charge, Julian Thick, has moved to Sandown. In relative prestige this appears like an upwards move from Kempton. Like the Cheltenham Gold Cup, meritocracy is not what it used to be. Mind you, having presided over the utterly inept Defra and the spending of millions of pounds on the Rural Payments Agency to  fail to achieve what every other EU country did in a fraction of the cost and time, Margaret Beckett was inexplicably promoted. Other examples of the anti-meritocracy will be gratefully received.

THE RACE NAMING FUSS

Initially I was fairly indifferent to this, thinking only that there is a difference if the removed honour is for an animate object (Bula, and by association his connections) compared to an inanimate one (Haldon Hill, Stayers). And all in all, for the sponsor's name to become indelibly associated with a race takes many, many years. Then we had a rather gloating letter from Nigel Payne, in his gravy train role representing the sponsors' association, and I did wonder if he would have been so smug if the horse being spurned had been Earth Summit? 

JOCKEY LATEST

It will be disappointing if the retirement of Richie Spate due to media criticism has an effect on coverage of racing, as jockeys get a fairly easy time of it as things stand. The odd ride gets a slating, but the general tone of comment tends to be that however many hundreds of rides a jockey has in the season, they are all carried out to the same uniformly high standard, unless said pilot is French. This is not possible in reality and sometimes the decisions in a race that prove wrong were always going to be so, and others can only be seen in hindsight. We also have a similar problem with this as when a horse falls. Punters only remember when a bad ride or fall costs them, and never when they won as a result of a rival suffering that situation.

YOU MUST BE FED UP WITH HIM BY NOW BUT...

...there is some Monty Panesar comment to be made. Firstly the hype merchants at Sky getting the hump because the Duncan Fletcher refused to declare Monty the best of all time after a handful of games was pretty pathetic. But also, due to his hapless fielding and Sunday 3rds batting, Monty is deemed to be a one trick pony. The pictures below tell a different tale, as he clearly only switched to cricket when grunge heroes Soundgarden broke up.

The evidence is incontrovertible 

EVEN CORRUPTION'S NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE

A Racing Post reader beat me to this one, but it bears repeating. The current corruption investigation is reported to involve a situation where five people made £50,000 over 39 races - laying horses of which many were fairly long priced horses. This amounts to £256 per person per race, which hardly suggests that the riders involved would have been quids in from the info. 

WORLD CUP HEROES & VILLAINS

As you imagine, not the obvious headline makers.

HEROES

1: Gennaro Gattuso - he may look like the unholy produce of an illicit liaison between a gnome and Jimmy Hill, but he does not half get the job done on the pitch, and breaks the Italian stereotype of playing at walking pace for 80% of the game.

2: Raymond Domenech - the French may detest the national stereotype of the histrionic louche, but every French sports team serves up one man who fits the bill beyond parody.

3: Togo - collective putting to the sword of the BBCs obsessive rabbiting about plucky, happy-go-lucky African minnows, playing for the fun and glory, jumpers for goalposts etc.

4: South Korean fans - Their team had it's limitations exposed without having sympathetic referees but the fans would not let something as trivial as inability to qualify from the group dampen their enthusiasm, although you might not want them as next door neighbours.

5: Maxi Rodriguez - played some marvellous football and scored goals despite only seeming to be of interest to the commentators as someone who could be substituted and let Lionel Messi come on.

6: Costa Rica - for the unwavering belief that despite the empty trophy cabinet, their style of all out attack and occasional defending when they were going in that direction for a drink of water anyway is 100% right and everyone else is wrong.

VILLAINS

1: Portugal - there were not too many saints around the tournament, but this lot were the worst from the off, and even back to previous tournaments. And when they were faced with a decent ref who did not take any nonsense, they lost their rag completely. Ricardo, Ronaldo and Figo the worst of a fairly scummy bunch.

2: BBC Panel (except Martin O'Neill) - when England were off form early, the problem according to them was that Gerrard and Lampard were not free to play their natural game together in a 4-4-2. When the formation was changed in a way that should have suited them down to the ground, 4-1-4-1, and they were still not at their best, the BBC mob shamelessly blamed the formation. And Ian Wright's personal vendetta because his son was not picked was not acceptable either.

3: Sepp Blatter - My German is limited, even more so in the Swiss dialect, but if Blatter is not translated to 'moron' at this moment, time will ensure that it is.

4: Ukraine - a country of 47.5 million people were up against Switzerland (7.5 million, most of whom prefer skiing) and played like they thought victory by any means than penalties was impossible. Then had to make a tactical change after going behind against Italy early on because they were out to repeat the dose. Got their just desserts.

5: Ronaldo - The Brazilian version, who mistook the World Cup for a series of Celebrity Fit Camp.

6: Garth Crooks - Promotes himself as an intellectual of football punditry, but has the cerebral credibility of a stale lettuce.

AND THE NELSON MUNTZ 'HA HA' AWARD

Graham Poll - for getting the come uppance he has long deserved.

ZIDANE EXPLAINS HIMSELF TO UK-JUMPING

So many people were complimenting me on a great and skillful career as the finals and my playing time drew to a close, I thought that the other essential, intermittent foolish thuggery, was being needlessly overlooked. So I decided to put that right. Plus the lighting in the stadium was dodgy and it made Materazzi look like Derek Thompson.

Au revoir, Zizou

{Completely forgiven in this corner of the web - Ed}

HEART OF DARKNESS

With it having been repeated on Channel 5 of late, I has moved to consider the reality of The Clangers. They are presented as peaceable, cuddly aliens, apparently not in need of any form of atmosphere. But are they really? Many episodes revolve around petty arguments, they wear military style boots and armoured waistcoats, plus the Iron Chicken lives in what looks like a wrecked tank, and dare not set foot on the planet. War has ravaged that planet in the not too distant past.

In a similarly dark vein, whose idea was it it to call the fourteen runner beginners chase at Towcester (six making their Rules bow over fences) the Dread Ltd Beginners Chase? Surely it should have been Dread Unlimited...

BRINGING INTO DISREPUTE

This prompted some excellent feedback, and further nominations are heartily invited. See below the asterisks for the origin of this.

Football agents who make up spurious rubbish about their clients receiving death threats, just to get a bit of publicity.

The e-mailer claimed to be John Lennon. For obvious reasons that is unlikely, plus Lennon would presumably have stopped after word two.

I nominate the William Hill broadcaster that said that Speciosa lost eight to ten lengths by drifting across the course in the Nell Gwyn. My knowledge of Pythagoras theorem and the estimate length of a horse says this makes the course at Newmarket about 250 yards wide.

The fool that thinks boxing gains importance by making the panel sitting around in the studio wear dinner jackets.

Jerry O'Donnell - in a similar vein, does not the attempt at respectability by snooker to have the players in waistcoats and bow ties become wasted when they are plastered in ads for bookies and casinos?

* * * * * 

Many sports have a catch all rule to punish participants who transgress the rules or the spirit of them in a manner not covered by a specific contingency. The problem is that people who are making the sport look truly bad are outside the scope of even this rule. Some suggestions are listed.

Racing: Jane Stickels for ongoing incompetence through lack of diligence

Football: Peter Kenyon for continually acting to make off the field activity more important than that on it

Boxing: Frank Warren on behalf of all promoters who promote their own celebrity and ego ahead of the talents of the boxers

Rugby Union: Nigel Whitehouse for making a mess of every big game that he referees, and by implication tarring all Welsh referees as hopeless if he is the best that they can come up with

Rugby League: Maurice Lindsay for selling it's soul to Rupert Murdoch and letting it become a job club for Aussies who fancy some time in the UK.

ARE YOU SURE?

In a recent Racing Column, Sir Clement Freud complained about the bus service to the course from the station, or lack of it. In my experience, if you walked out of the station with your eyes closed, you would probably accidentally walk onto the bus, so close does it park and reliably does it run. Perhaps he inadvertently tried on a day when racing was not being staged?

REMAINING POLITICAL

Regarding the EU declaring the handover at a discount of the Tote to racing to be illegal state aid, why do we not do what all the other EU members seem to in these instances - pretend we never got their letter/fax/email and do it anyway, apologising profusely when it is too late to undo. 

18/3/06

Leighton Aspell rides 5,849/1 treble at Uttoxeter, conjuring fantastic efforts from three relatively unfancied horses - Heir To Be, Simon & Chaim. Racing Post's star performance? Ruby Walsh winning the Midlands national on a horse that was favourite. Presumably the writer had not sobered up after the Festival.

THE LUCK FACTOR

If you stick to the tenet that the lucky stay lucky and the cursed stay unlucky, then there was a significant recent event at Haydock. In a Pertemps Hurdle qualifier, jockey Gary Berridge was fined to not obtaining the best possible placing. As these qualifiers are legendary for the number of non-triers and convoluted official excuses, Gary can consider himself highly unfortunate to be the individual picked out for a slap on the wrist in this sphere. Certainly the unluckiest rider of the last two weeks.

WHAT!

For their report for Fontwell on 27th January, Sporting-Life.com headlined it 'Geraghty Shines At Fontwell.' This was because he managed the amazing feat of winning a novice chase on a sound jumper that went off at 1/3. On the same card Leighton Aspell rode a double on Brigadier Du Bois (horse winning for the first time at the twentieth try) and the untypable Nobel Bleu De Kerpaul (and surely too many lettered?) for a 14/1 double. Surely the greater feat.

On the same day there was the controversial race at Fakenham, where two riders failed to notice that the last flight was to be omitted. In the analysis on ATR, nobody seemed to notice that the flagman was originally as far out onto the track as he dared, and only retreated when it appeared he was about to be trampled under foot. This made the comments of the Diamond Racing representative rather poor, although the absence of cones blocking the approach was valid. Unfortunately is does appear that the incident was just 'one of those things' and the suggestion that the Diamond Racing would sue the course for various things was a bit daft, especially the betting money lost (snowball, chance, hell are three words springing to mind about that)

BIG SCREENS

There are some in the press that get rather worked about about them when they are absent, and at some courses they are not really necessary. Plumpton and Fontwell are small enough that they are non-essential for a good view, and at Huntingdon the site in front of the stands only serves to obstruct what is an excellent vista, even at ground level. However, some courses are foiled by geography, and as the photo shows Lingfield is just built facing the wrong direction for the screen to do any good - and summer is even worse as the sun sits just above the top of it.

HYPOCRISY AT IT’S WORST

NORTHERN RACING - RECORD BREAKERS

In the following fields:

- Meetings abandoned without the weather being a factor

- Obstacles omitted in a single meeting due to ground conditions

- Density of meetings held at courses

Could there, we wonder, be some form of correlation between these? 

HOW TO MAKE A WINNER

I received the following email with a 100% valid observation.

How could you have "accidentally" deleted the photo of  GAME ON from your home page? ..especially after his recent exploits? He won (again!) yesterday at his favourite Market Rasen - his 3rd win in his last 6 starts, and he was 2nd in the other 3 races! He won off a handicap mark of 107 yesterday having originally been rated 89 when he arrived at his trainer Ben Pollock. He has been a model of consistency - in no small way due to the great job done by Ben and his team. What a genuine star he is and what a great horse to have followed since he was first mentioned on your website! 
Regards, Guy Morrison

Which made me devise the following special offer. Any owner or trainer whose horse is not quite delivering as expected on the course, and fresh ideas to work the oracle are running out, I will, totally free of charge, publish a picture of said horse on the sire and then 'accidentally' delete it. The improved results should become rapidly apparent.

EXTREME ABUSE

The word ‘extreme’ seems to be the most abused in our language at the moment. One of the documentary satellite channels recently broadcast a series, “Extreme History” which seemed to have the same old reconstructions, but with Roger Daltrey in them. Thus is Roger Daltrey a definition of extreme? We have “Extreme Archaeology” in which extreme means to do something vaguely awkward in the most inconvenient and inexplicably hysterical manner possible. In sport, the range of options covered by the term is too great. Parachuting from the edge of space is extreme. Canoeing down Mt Everest is extreme. Tracking the yeti in Bhutan is extreme(ly pointless). Skateboarding up and down a ramp in Battersea is not by any stretch of the imagination, extreme. Eventually racing will be tarnished with the same brush of futility. The obvious candidates for extreme racing would be staying chases and hurdles, but my guess is that it will end up being all weather racing with gibbons replacing human jockeys. You heard it here first.DISTANCES

A letter in the Racing Post recently had the writer calling for the official distance of ‘a distance’ to be abolished, as the introduction of time based measurements rendered it simple to give a real margin. At face value this seemed sensible but not of earthshattering importance. However, when I thought about it, any margins of defeat more than a distance are surely irrelevant, as the loser has been well and truly stuffed. And from a simple morale perspective, it is surely nicer to think of your horse losing by just over thirty lengths rather than ninety-five or so!  

UK-JUMPING'S 6 UNIVERSAL PUNTING TRUTHS

Another idea that I have shameless ripped off from the Racing Post, but to save the suspense, they will be delivered in one hit, not as a series.

i) When the voices in your head give you a tip, back it. They are desperate to win your trust for when they need your help setting fire to something.

ii) The smaller the field, the lesser the big off-course bookies profit margin. Therefore, their love of all-weather racing is not for love of their customers.

iii) Never fear backing a market drifter, but check that it has four legs and head (preferably not all tied together) first, just in case.

iv) Any premonitions of racing results picked up in cheese dreams have a 75% chance of being true.

v) Despite what certain media people may lead you to believe, no jockey rides every single race all season to the 100% maximum of his talents, it is simply not possible to be infallible in any sport.

vi) If an acquaintance asks for a tip as a one-off on a special occasion, it will win. From this moment onwards it is not possible to tip them another winner, even if you both live to be 200.