Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

Golden Brown

Mama Weer All Crazee Now

Land Of Hope And Glory

Pretty Vacant

second verse of the current National Anthem

Swords Of A Thousand Men

There'll Always Be An England

TOP TEN NATIVE BRITISH BIRDS (not including planned reintroductions)

1: Raven

2: Osprey

3: Common Buzzard

4: Crow

5: Sea Eagle

6: Tawny Owl

7: Golden Eagle

8: Peregrine Falcon

9: Kestrel

10: Grey Heron

TOP 17 ALBUMS OF THE MILLENNIUM

Is this the only musical elite to feature two bands from Finland?

1: PJ Harvey - Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea

2: Pearl Jam - Binaural

3: Muse - Black Holes & Revelations

4: Queens Of The Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf

5: Fugazi - The Argument

6: Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam

7: Muse - Origin Of Symmetry

8: Idlewild - 100 Broken Windows

9: Winterville - Everything In Moderation

10: Killing Joke - Hosannas From The Basement Of Hell

11: King's X - Live All Over The Place

12: Dandy Warhols - Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia

13: HIM - Love Metal

14: System Of A Down - Toxicity

15: Monster Magnet - Monolithic Baby

16: Porcupine Tree - Deadwing

17: Nightwish - Once

TOP 14 BEERS OF OUR ERA

List revised due to hazy recollections from Frocester Festival of the August bank holiday, and the previously eccentric numbering scheme that resulted in 13 entries to the top 12.

1: Orkney Dark Island

2: Uley Old Ric

3: Arran Dark

4: Mordue Workie Ticket

5: Beartown Brewery Polar Eclipse

6: Harviestoun Bitter & Twisted

7: Cottleigh Peregrine

8: Hall & Woodhouse Tanglefoot

9:Wychwood Hobgoblin

10:Valhalla Sjolmet Stout

11: Phoenix Monkey Town Mild

12: Hampshire Edmund II Ironside Best

13: Isle Of Skye Black Ciullin

14: Gales HSB

TOP 9 FILMS OF THE MILLENNIUM

1:  Being John Malkovich: It is hard to give a summary of the film that does it justice and persuades the cynical to go and see it. John Cusack goes through a tunnel he finds behind a filing cabinet and gets 15 minutes seeing the world through the eyes of John Malkovich. The problems start when everyone wants a go, especially John Malkovich himself. Brilliant and barmy from start to finish.

2: Dog Soldiers: Scottish Highlands, werewolves and a world record number of expletives. A fantastic formula for film, and it works completely. Unashamedly paying homage to other classics and not-so-classics (Zulu, The Evil Dead, Saving Private Ryan etc) by using their best bits, the fresh combination of these constituent parts results in one of the finest productions ever in it’s genre – exceeding even the Oliver Reed classic “Curse Of The Werewolf.” The effects budget was all spent on one monstrous climax, but shrewd camera work gets around it easily. Do not miss this film. That’s an order.

3: Lord Of The Rings series:  I cannot split the films, as the comment applies for all three released so far - although The Return Of The King had least impact as the effects were all proven to be feasible in the first two films. But in general they are all the dogs' danglers. What else needs to be known? Obviously only a man with the vision to make 'Brain Dead' (Peter Jackson) could realise such a grand vision. The biggest endorsement being that long films seem to just whizz by - obviously depending on who or what sits next to you. Immense.

4: Donnie Darko: First time round I was not in the right frame of mind for this, but a second viewing earned the film a place in the list. Very black humour, well  constructed, full of good ideas of the armchair anarchist and outstanding use of the evil rabbit motif. The sound on Frank's voice could have been better, but that is a minor quibble. 

5: Downfall: A film about the raging insanity in the bunker in Berlin during the last two weeks of the war is not everyone's cup of tea, and often subtitles distract from attention to the visuals whilst simplifying the dialogue beyond redemption. Not the case this time, and Bruno Ganz's performance as an alternately polite and raging Hitler is outstanding. 

6: Gladiator: First impression is that is a standard action film set during the decadent days of Rome. With hindsight it looks much better, although in all the fuss about Russell Crowe's Oscar probabilities and Olive Reed's exclusion, we should not forget the spectacularly overblown portrayal of the psychotic emperor by Joaquin Phoenix.

7: Sleepy Hollow: Typically weirdogothness Tim Burton film. Johnny Depp is up to the usual high standard in the lead role as Ichabod Crane, but the whole cast is very strong and the headless horseman is the best headless horseman in the history of headless horsemen.

8: The Last King Of Scotland: Attracted it's attention for the performances of the main two characters, but the overall screenplay - brave enough to have it that the only likeable character to have any influence on the plot is but a small, supporting role - was refreshingly different from the usual formulaic stuff that even decent films suffer.

9: The Bourne Series: For consistency with the Lord of the Rings, they are treated as one, although a less than convincing number two (Supremacy) lest the side down. In both Identity and Ultimatum, the brevity of the action scenes just seems more realistic, and therefore more time is allowed for the plot and characters to be rationalised. And whilst the middle film just misses that, it does show you how to blow up a house armed only with a toaster and a newspaper. On that basis, the publishers of all free newspapers must be at risk from laws against distribution of weapons to the general public.

Apocalypto is hovering on the cusp of inclusion. On the one hand, it is excellently put together, but you cannot help but feel that Mel Gibson's message is 'because of this, the Aztec's deserved everything the Conquistadors did to them.'

Collateral has come off of the list, as with the passage of time it did not stick in the mind as such a good film as it seemed at the time. On the upside it did not just come over as a rehash of an old idea, as thrillers often seem to, but is it a classic? Unlikely. 

BEST 8 CRYPTOZOOLOGICAL BEASTS

These are creatures thought to be i) mythological, ii) real but unproven or iii) potentially having survived official extinction. On this basis, some could argue for the including novice hurdlers that are trying from some stables, but that would be cruel, and the named people could be litigious...

1: Mongolian Death Worm (alghoi khorkhoi): A worm that can strike you dead just by the power of it's mind. It is one possible reason why Mongolia is sparsely populated 

2: Yeti/Bigfoot/Sasquatch: Because the idea of giant apes inhabiting the remote realms of the world is good fun

3: Skunk Ape: A variation on number 2 from south-east USA, but is worth a mention distinctly as it may just be a hippy

4: British Big Cats: I think we are just jealous because we have no predatory mammals bigger than a badger, which puts us joint 167th in the world mammal table with Vanuatu

5: Thylacine: It would be nice to think that attempts to exterminate it failed.

6: Strike Owl: On the whole, owls are pretty admirable beasts, so the idea that there is one haunting the Arctic lands so huge that it can hunt reindeer makes for a pretty decent prospect

7: Orang-Pendek: Another Sumatran large primate, supposedly a smaller version of the Orang-utan, and a fair possibility of actually existing

8: Anything giant, like the Moa, Lemurs, Ground Sloths, Anacondas etc: If they have survived and if they can be trained, we could race them.

TOP 7 CONSPIRACY THEORIES

1: Royal Family are Shape-Shifting Reptilian Bipeds: From the unappreciated genius that is David Icke. But do recent events show that Princess Anne's bull terrier is the real leader? It at least explains that odd, faraway expression in Icke's eyes when he used to say, "And now over to Julian Wilson at Haydock." And there's an odd conspiratorial connection...

2: Holy Blood, Holy Grail: Quite convincing this one. Talented and famous Jewish preacher becomes a target for establishment that he undermines in his teachings. Establishment wants rid of him. Fakes own death and does a runner. Where he has the edge on other fakers of his own death is the the authorities never caught up with him. Because they had no television news stations.

3: Kennedy Assassination: The argument is that Oswald's skills and equipment meant he could not have killed the president as events unfolded, unless it was a fluke shot. Perhaps it was! 

4: UFO Crash Cover-ups: A no lose scenario, as the lack of any evidence is proof of the cover-up. Supremely constructed to prevent any provable debunking. 

5: Diana Murder: The loudest protagonist a) employed the drunk driver, b) lost his son in the incident and c) has an ignominious history as far as integrity goes. Not exactly an objective witness then.

6: Bilderberg Group: A coven of high ranking businessmen and politicians in a media-excluded series of conferences to take over the world. Highly unethical for supposed guardians of democracy but maybe the businessmen involved are just taking the route to most easily guard their company's interests. And once your rivals are in, can you afford not to be? A bit like marketing, but cheaper and more in touch with reality.

7: AIDS a CIA invention: Assuming that the CIA has the wit to create a global plague, they would surely have made one that does it's jobs in years, or even months, not decades?

TOP 8 ADVERTISING-BASED REASON'S TO BOYCOTT A COMPANY'S PRODUCTS

1: It features fat-tongued mockney pseudo-chefs who are so deeply unpleasant that I cannot even name them

2: It features Ainsley Harriot

3: It features any other TV chef

4: It features anyone from a fly-on-the-wall documentary

5: It features a shoddy rerecording of a well-known song because they were too cheapskate to pay for the original (or in the case of Nescafe, does this to what was already a cover version!)

6: It takes a well-known pub or drinking game and sanitises it pathetically for an early evening audience

7: It tries to turn a series of ads into a a mini-series, usually populated by thoroughly nauseating individuals

8: It has one witty idea that then destroys it by being repeated 40,000 times per day