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They are pretty much self-explanatory, with Putting Things Right modestly solving all of the world's problems, except for the ones on Why Oh Why, which refuse to go away, because there are enough people in the world that accept them as the norm. These people used to be known as village idiots, but we need a new buzzword for them now. And that is the vicious circle completed...

A GOOD DAY'S POST

Everyone loves to use an old cliché about all that comes through the letter box is bills, bills and more bills, right? Well, on the same day, UK-Jumping HQ received the latest editions of Private Eye, Fortean Times and the Leighton Aspell Fan Club Magazine. A marvellous triple header and an old joke bites the dust. Sadly, the rest of 2012 is struggling to live up to that day...

BOOKMAKERS THINK THEIR CUSTOMERS ARE MORONS

The evidence lies in the astounding brainlessness of the TV ads they output. The following chart indicates, on a scale of 0-10, just how low down the evolutionary tree they want their patrons to be. For some, using brain dead TV characters like Paddy McGuinness or Chris Kamara does much of the damage. But slogans aimed at the lowest common denominator or formulaic stuff trying to pretend that it is a spontaneous response to real time events scores highly as well. But do not think Coral are wonderful for scoring no idiot points - it is just that if they do have TV ads, they are so anonymous, that they have not made any impact whatsoever. In this context, that could be a compliment...

MIXED MESSAGES

A good column on Thursday, 6th Jan, in the Racing Post by Bruce Millington, putting Betfair's inclination to be a law unto itself in perspective. Hopefully nobody at the paper will forget that the exchange was given an easy time in it's ascent to dominance by the Racing Post as it wined and dined journalists (there have also been rumours and allegations of offering favourable trading terms), in return for totally uncritical coverage. A lesson for the future.

THE 2011 UK-JUMPING AWARDS

Same rules as ever - no prizes, just glory. Lots and lots of glory.

Horse of the Year

Elegant Olive   (because two wins in the calendar year trumps the usual "longest priced winner" rule, and she can be forgiven for only doing it when UK-Jumping cannot make the meeting - bad luck Balustrade)

Trainer of the Year

Roger Curtis   (because of providing three of the Empire's winners in the year)

Consolation award for demonstration of great cunning in placing the horses: Paul Henderson

Jockey of the Year

Tom Cannon   (because it is a name that has cropped up on a fair few winning bets this year and Leighton Aspell wins it in even numbered years)

Owner of the Year

RJ & Mrs JA Peake   (for the trials and tribulations that they endure at the hands of the barmy Zimbabwe, but there is a sympathy vote for anyone stuck with a horse that only runs well at Chepstow. Nobody deserves that)

Course of the Year

Huntingdon   (because it is just about their turn again in the rota of superior courses, although if overseas venues were qualified Clairefontaine would have been a contender)

Special Achievement

The Leighton Aspell Fan Club  (for submitting a block of 263 votes for Plumpton as course of the year in a protest against Fontwell's miserable new stand and attitude to racegoers. This ignored that a - Fontwell did not have a snowball's chance in hell of winning it, b - Plumpton cannot win in 2011 as it won in 2010 and c - there is no actual voting for these awards, the Arab Spring never made it this far)

Special Merit

Kate Miller  (William Hill representative, for admitting that she would rather go jumps racing 12 months a year and also for admitting that she will morally support any horse against one owned by the bloke from Ryanair)

BAD NEWS FOR THE MEDICAL INDUSTRY

The retirement of Mark Bradburne from riding this week caused shares in medical suppliers to plummet. But fear not another stimulus for the second dip of the recession, as the great man is planning to become an electrician - hardly the safe option considering his injury history. 

BAD NEWS FOR JUMPS FANS

Three courses are switching from free to air ATR onto subscription based RUK. All three are jumps only. Looks like more time in the betting shop...

ZAGREB V LYON

An interesting verdict from UEFA, that lack of odd betting patterns had put their collective minds at rest about this. Had they not noticed that other things were at stake? Then watch the goal highlights, and consider the Michel Platini verdict that the goalkeeper was "off form." Priceless.

NO WONDER PEOPLE GET CONFUSED

This week we have seen Martin O'Neill not only made favourite for a vacant managerial job, as is traditional, but actually take the post on offer. A kick in the teeth for those who punt based on reliable conventions. Then Jeremy Clarkson is wheeled onto the television to perform his usual role of saying something outrageously hyperbolic and clearly not intended to be realistic, and a whole bunch of people who really should get a life then start moaning. That is what he is there for - to attract publicity for himself and the programme. Despite shocking performance after shocking performance, Stuart Attwell inexplicably keeps being allowed to referee Premiership football matches. And as usual, there is a number of busybodies getting het up about the great irrelevance that is the Sports Personality Of The Year, which has been proven to be no more than a huge PR exercise. Only about three people all year have done anything worthy of nomination, and any winner other than Mark Cavendish would render the event more farcical than normal. 

KAUTO STAR

After Steve Dennis' excellent article about the folly of those clamouring for retirement of a horse that was perfectly capable of competing at top level, even if not winning, the old horse played his part to the full. Fifteen Grade 1 chase wins, and the only horse to regain a lost Gold Cup. We will not see his like for a long time, if at all.

IT IS ALSO A BIT ODD

As highlighted in the Bruce Millington column in the Racing Post on 17th Nov. Spot fixing in cricket - bedlam and eventually jail sentences for three players. Spot fixing in football - deafening silence and complete inaction.

IT IS A BIT ODD

That it took a Belgian to put the whip offence punishments into a sensible context. Given that people in this country seem to have struggled to differentiate between the rules and the manner in which they are enforced, could this be the year of the Belgian. This, the Tin Tin film - they are on a roll. Purists discount the Jean-Claude van Damme Coors adverts on the grounds that the product is atrocious.

RWC SEMI-FINAL

The Racing Post beat UK-Jumping on highlighting this one, but it has to be emphasised that after the manner in which they beat Ireland in the Six Nations, the Welsh rugby fan seems to have a very short memory on bad refereeing. And they also overlooked the referee's excessively helpful decisions (and non-decisions) on Welsh offences in the second half. Which the team was unable to exploit. But it was the ridiculously one-sided coverage on ITV that left people sympathising with the French.

LANGUAGE EVOLVING OR JUST SOMEONE TALKING COBBLERS?

In the obituaries for Steve Jobs, a common theme was to refer to him as a modern great as an industrialist. The great industrialists are the far more anonymous Chinese factory developers that make the products. Jobs' achievement was as a salesman, persuading so many gullible people to pay far too much money for non-essential gadgets that were often available elsewhere, cheaper and in comparable quality. A bit like the IT industry's Peter Mandelsson. 

INSIDE NATURE'S GIANTS

The Racehorse. It was fantastic. If you missed it, go to the Channel 4 site and watch it there. That is not a suggestion, it is an order. If time restricts, make sure there is time to catch the bit about the lungs, roughly 2/3 of the way through.

WORLD CUP DRAW

Breaking the unrelenting string of bad news surrounding their activities, it was a s very shrewd call by FIFA to introduce some levity to the event by getting Dave Lister (Red Dwarf) to do the draw.

PHONE HACKING - THERE ARE WINNERS 

For quite a while now, those who felt that the politicians, media and law enforcement agencies had a rather comfortable cartel operating, where any one of those groups had a great benefit to be had from mutual public admiration with the other two did tend to be dismissed as paranoid conspiracy theorists. Obviously an ongoing problem with conspiracy theories is that where there is a hint of fact, it tends to be unearthed fairly easily, so those with no supporting evidence are almost certainly fantasy. In the great British tradition of supporting the underdog, the conspiracy buffs have rather had a moment of of glory lately. God forbid it would go to anyone's head...

THE WORLD REALLY HAS GONE MAD

Alex Ferguson declaring Twitter a waste of everyone's time and effort, Gary Neville building the ultimate eco-house. When was so much common sense last seen in the vicinity of Man Utd? Clue - not in the lifetime of anyone here.

On the other hand, the Highways Agency closed the M25 because of a cow. In  the rush hour. On top of their spectacular incompetence in closing the M1 for a week because of a brief fire, is it not about time they actually became answerable to somebody? Note that roads that the HA allow to be run by other organisations (Swindon to Cirencester, A1M near Peterborough etc) do not suffer the same stupidities. And as for the money wasted on information signs that are so often out of date...  Perhaps it is a job for Alex Ferguson and Gary Neville.

THOUGHT FOR THE MOMENT, #4

If terrestrial television coverage is based on popularity of the given sport throughout the general public, why is tennis ever on - almost nobody in the entire country cares a jot about it.

ARCHITECTURE IN THE SPOTLIGHT

This will be meaningless to those unfamiliar with the London skyline, but, unusually for an inorganic object, the building known as The Gherkin seems to be gradually getting taller and fatter. Is this a by product of nicknaming it after a vegetable, that it takes on the characteristics of the nickname? Will it gradually absorb the rest of the city? Is it's main weapon that anyone who has spotted it's evil plan will be ridiculed for suggesting it?

In a similar vein, a new tall building is going up next to Elephant & Castle station. Due to being surrounded by much, much lower constructions for a wide area, it stands out a mile, commanding the attention in a slightly sinister way. Before the top section was being covered by the outer shell, it was apparent that the frame is a giant cylinder topped by two huge, goat-ish horns. We have all seen enough films to understand that whoever takes up residence in the upper stories is a very bad person. Very, very bad. Worse even than Harchibald.

UK-JUMPING'S 6 UNIVERSAL PUNTING TRUTHS

Another idea that I have shameless ripped off from the Racing Post, but to save the suspense, they will be delivered in one hit, not as a series.

i) When the voices in your head give you a tip, back it. They are desperate to win your trust for when they need your help setting fire to something.

ii) The smaller the field, the lesser the big off-course bookies profit margin. Therefore, their love of all-weather racing is not for love of their customers.

iii) Never fear backing a market drifter, but check that it has four legs and head (preferably not all tied together) first, just in case.

iv) Any premonitions of racing results picked up in cheese dreams have a 75% chance of being true.

v) Despite what certain media people may lead you to believe, no jockey rides every single race all season to the 100% maximum of his talents, it is simply not possible to be infallible in any sport.

vi) If an acquaintance asks for a tip as a one-off on a special occasion, it will win. From this moment onwards it is not possible to tip them another winner, even if you both live to be 200.