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They are pretty much self-explanatory, with Putting Things Right modestly solving all of the world's problems, except for the ones on Why Oh Why, which refuse to go away, because there are enough people in the world that accept them as the norm. These people used to be known as village idiots, but we need a new buzzword for them now. And that is the vicious circle completed...

SOMETIMES THINGS REALLY DRIVE YOU ROUND THE TWIST

At the moment it is the BBC. There is, as usual, too much talk, too little sport on their European Athletics Championships coverage (and the talkers rarely have anything useful to offer - nobody is allowed to use the phrase "banned performance enhancers" in the same sentence as "Dwain Chambers," only "past indiscretions" is allowed). They have been fooled or brow beaten into making an horrendously unnecessary fuss because it is exactly two years to the Olympics. Suppose it may prove nice for anyone who pops their clogs in the meantime, unless it comes from over excitement. And they are doing a season telling us how great the Normans were. They were a nasty piece of work, sabotaging centuries of goodwill between Anglo-Saxons and the Irish, by invading Ireland and banning the use of Gaelic, as they were paranoid of people talking a language they understood. Many editions of Anglo-Saxon law codes, which insured that even the lowliest pond dweller got a fair and regulated hearing against the most powerful noble in a dispute were scrapped because it inconveniently prevented them slaughtering the population on a whim (thus they were prototypes of Oliver Cromwell, one of the most unpleasant men in English history - the fact that his statue is outside parliament sums the place up), and what we know of the Anglo-Saxons may have been even thinner had Henry III not had an Anglophile streak. And the destruction of surviving elements of classical civilisation in Sicily is deemed to be one of their great achievements. Scrap the Normans, return to appreciating Anglo-Saxon codes and values, with their emphasis on fairness and appreciation of good story telling, horses and beer.

Actually, what is the real annoying aspect about the BBC is that they still can churn out he good stuff, such as "Death On The Mountain" which was on BBC4 Tuesday night and does an excellent job of filling in the career story of Tommy Simpson, when many people now will have heard of him dying in the Tour De France, but be unaware of the full story. But these things get tucked away, unpromoted and hard to find, because the window-lickers pap holds sway.

WORLD CUP GUFF

Starting out watching the Uruguay - Ghana game with no vested interest or preference, the ITV commentary was so horrendously biased to Ghana, I found myself wanting Uruguay to win. The kerfuffle over the last kick penalty in stoppage time seemed to overlook one thing. The goal mouth scramble came from a free kick which seemed to be an officiating blunder - the Ghanaian player simply stumbled and was not touched by the defender, who was not really near enough to commit a foul. Therefore, justice was done. If there was a replay that disproves this, apologies, as the coverage had been so annoying that between the final whistle and the start of the shootout UK-Jumping channel hopped to catch a bit of "The IT Crowd."

WORLD CUP ADS

A word of warning - if the voices in your head bear any resemblance to Chris Kamara and Ian Wright, you should not be allowed to bet, nor probably be in control of your own finances. Have you noticed how the faces that bookmakers have latched onto to front their ads are not considered, thoughtful pundits, but hysterical, screeching (or occasionally bellowing) idiots, that should not be taken seriously. Note to all football pundits - if a bookie wants you to appear in their ads, take it as an insult!

WORLD CUP BUSINESS 

Well worth a read - PRIVATE EYE

BEYOND BELIEF

All reaction heard and read to the Harry Findlay warning off has been that the officials got it wrong and got it wrong because they do not have any understanding of betting. As far as the rules go, it seems it is not allowed to use the 'lay' button on your own horse, but perfectly fine to back other horses in the race against it. And even if that loophole is closed, in future or already, the idea that you back your own horse and then get the chance to lay it to recover stake, i.e. a bet to nothing, is just common sense, and authorities that cannot understand that, have no right to be the authorities.

QUOTES OF THE LAST WEEK

Saturday night, Uttoxeter commentator on Glimmer Of Light: "The one thing this horse has done is gallop and jump." It was not followed by, "no-one expects the Spanish Inquisition."

Aidan O'Brien on St Nicholas Abbey: "I am not trying to hype him but he is one of those horses that only comes a long a few times." The annual refrain of the Coolmore reputation-before-results machine going into overdrive. There was more in a similar vein from Johnny Murtagh.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

2005 election. Labour get 700,000 more votes than Conservatives, and gave a comfortable overall majority. 2010 election. Conservative gain over 2,000,000 more votes than Labour and fail to gain an overall majority, despite a rise in the Lib Dems percentage of the vote (and a rise in number by a 1,000,000 or so) resulting in them actually getting less seats. Add in the fact that nearly a million people - just under 5% of the turnout - voted UKIP and have nothing to show for it. More proof that the current system is not fit for purpose.

Mind you, on Channel 4, the election special ended up somehow discussing the doom of humanity with Brian Cox, who wisely declared that the number one threat to the human race is "our own stupidity." Which probably explains why most people think that the British electoral system is a help rather than a hindrance.

ARCHITECTURAL FOLLOW UP

The Gherkin building in London has stopped growing outwards. Perhaps there was a leaky compressed air container. And the evil building at Elephant & Castle? It now looks like a crow from a Disney cartoon, but with three eyes and a heron's neck. So a touch jollier, but still a wrong 'un.

SELECTION 2010

Readers will be amazed to know that UK-Jumping endorses no political party, in the belief that a) party politics is not compatible with democracy and b) any of the big three allow their smattering of good ideas to be drowned in a torrent of bad ones, dogma, cronyism and sucking up to idiots. For those who wish to vote, UK-Jumping recommends at least trying to find someone with a a chance that the ideas they could implement will do minimal harm. Alas, in our concealed hideout in Surrey East, it is such a safe seat that the no party outside the main three have even fielded a candidate at the last two bun fights, so we remain disenfranchised by democracy.

And now, a predictable link: Election

A COUPLE OF GRAND NATIONAL DAY THOUGHTS

After all the hysteria about moving the last hurdle at Cheltenham and how it would affect Khyber Kim in particular, it was noteworthy how hitting the front relatively early did not have much detrimental effect in the Aintree Hurdle. And having been enthused about Character Building for some years, and being happy to concede that he is likeable but quirky, it seems impossible to believe that jocking off Dougie Costello at the last minute helped his National chances. Clearly a horse that the rider needs to know inside out, and a jockey that has ridden him on seven starts and won on him had to be a plus.

SPORTS BROADCASTING UPDATE

Having slated the BBC for their over populated and poor quality coverage of the Winter Olympics, and everything else, in the interest of balance it should be noted that Sky's coverage of the Champions League second leg between Real Madrid and Lyon was juts as bad. After they evened up the tie early in the game, the commentator spent the rest of the match fawning pathetically over Real's spending, furthering the misguided footballing belief that success is measured by the size of the cheque that you write - and with Real's notorious evasiveness over their finances, can that even be trusted? - but it was most amusing when Lyon went ahead again and the brown nosing buffoon was forced into an abrupt volte face to accommodate the awkward fact that his anointed ones were actually knocked out.

NOTE TO RACING FOR CHANGE

Want to get children interested in racehorses? The poster child for this campaign exists. He is trained by Nick Williams, and has the name Mister Pous. No child can possibly fail to find that funny. The problem is that Mister Pous is already eleven, and will not go on forever, so an immediate rule change to allow a new "Mister Pous" to be running the instant that the original retires is all it takes. 

SPORTS BROADCASTING LATEST

So the glorious Six Nations retire on the proceeds bet did not come off. Clearly overlooking the reality that there is no such thing as a 16/1 certainty was a flawed approach, although like the BBC reporters after the France game, let us glibly witter on about incorrect tactics, whilst conveniently ignoring the fact that the difference in the game was two interception tries - not really a tactical issue. And the BBC team also might have made you think that the perpetrator of the second was man of the match based on his too-late-to-matter try the other way.

In fact, one of the big nonsenses that the BBC coverage sticks to is an inability to understand that rugby is almost always a game where territory is the most important factor. Teams rarely run in tries from a long way out, except in mismatches, but when a team is in the opponents territory, scoring chances come, via errors or penalties, with reguarlity. The Winter Olympics coverage has also exposed the mediocrity of the sports coverage that our licence fee pays for, as the commentators on Eurosport have been uniformly excellent - offering credible and useful insights, and considered and sensible criticism when things have gone wrong (speed skaters who can't count, the desperately uncompetitive women's ice hockey, weather conditions impacting the Alpine and Nordic skiing events etc).

However, the best moment, which I woke up just in time to hear, was in a break in the women's curling final, when the cameras closed in on the Canadians, expecting some profound insight, but got something better, which sadly did not appear on any highlights.

Coach: Do you want a banana?

Player: No thanks. (long pause). I hear my brother has turned up in a kilt - no-one wants to see that.

Coach: Yes, he has.

Player: What a drunken idiot.

SIX NATIONS OFF TO A FLYER - AS IN THE WRIGHT BROTHERS

Apologies for the lack of a preview, but the UK-Jumping view was with the consensus. Each of England, France, Ireland and Wales could end up in any of the first four places, Scotland were not beyond a minor shock and breaking that quartet. The one deviation was that Italy were not as bad as everyone else thought, but was there any money to be made on that, apart from match handicap betting?

Rather a mixed bag from the first games, but it has left us with a corking bet. Wales are now as long as 16/1 to win the title, on the back of losing a tough away game. Neither England nor Ireland looked invincible in their victories. France were far more impressive in attack against Scotland, but adopted an all-or-nothing defensive policy and seemed capable of conceding points. So the pre-match price of 4/6 for No Grand Slam looks sound. Therefore, if Wales win their remaining games, it all could easily go down to points difference. And they could, especially if the stand-off and centres start passing to each other instead of the surrounding spaces. If you backed Wales in each of the last four games and they won them, would the level stake profit be in excess of 10 points? Probably not. So the strategy seems to be back them, and be prepared to lay a little of it off in the last week should they be in with a squeak. 

PS The Tote's Superbowl special bets, not noticed until the day, included 7/1 on Pierre Garcon to score two or more touchdowns. As he is the rising force in the Colts' receiving team and any receiver on either team had a fair stab at two scores, that price was too big. Apologies for not getting this on the internet in time for the game (unless of course, it proves a dud bet).

RACING POST IN IRELAND

Apparently there is no truth in the rumour that the Irish version was launched because Coolmore felt they were not getting enough fawning praise in the British one...

POLITICAL INTEGRITY

So Gordon Brown's "all my woes" interview with with television's most putrid person (now that is an achievement!) was not a cynical timed nod to the impending, but unannounced election. We know this because it was assured by Alistair Campbell, the only man that Tony Blair can call on for "I want to be the honest one in this picture" poses.

MEANINGFUL STATS

The overall racecourse attendances were published in the press, and although variable factors make the comparisons against a single previous year statistically worthless, the pecking order itself was noteworthy. Of the 60 courses, the all-weather venues were 56th (Lingfield), 58th (Kempton), 59th (Southwell) and 60th (Wolverhampton). For all courses thinking of installing an artificial track, look at the people voting with their feet. In fact, it could have been worse for Kempton, because without the 30,000 people that attended the two days at Christmas, their average goes down from 1,164 to about 875, which is well below Southwell. Great Leighs was actually number 61, but with only four meetings was only included for pedants. In the same day's Racing Post, it was reported that the track was intended to be a "world class racing and betting venue." How it achieves the latter with four bookmakers and no racegoers was not explained... As Andy Stewart was quoted as saying this week, "If you don't have fans in the stadium, you will not progress."

THE 2009 UK-JUMPING AWARDS

Same rules as last year - no prizes, just glory. Lots and lots of glory.

Horse of the Year

King Ozzy   (because he was the longest price winner I backed all year)

Consolation in this award goes to Bally Sands, for his 100/1 second at Folkestone, in which he achieved all that was expected of him.

Trainer of the Year

Neil Mulholland   (because of his seventeen jumps winners, a dozen were in the sort of low level chases that this site admires greatly)

Jockey of the Year

Felix de Giles   (because he continues to ride well and be under used since the loss of his claim)

Owner of the Year

GS Brown   (for being both owner and breeder of the highly likeable Silver By Nature) 

Consolation in this goes to Mrs J Benson, for owning Fine By Me, whose popularity soared in December!

Course of the Year

Fakenham   (because it continues to give a completely civilised vibe)

Special Achievement

John Kettley  (because just as Haydock had managed to upset and alienate just about all of it's core customer base, he produced one disastrously off-kilter weather forecast with impeccable timing)

ARCHITECTURE IN THE SPOTLIGHT

This will be meaningless to those unfamiliar with the London skyline, but, unusually for an inorganic object, the building known as The Gherkin seems to be gradually getting taller and fatter. Is this a by product of nicknaming it after a vegetable, that it takes on the characteristics of the nickname? Will it gradually absorb the rest of the city? Is it's main weapon that anyone who has spotted it's evil plan will be ridiculed for suggesting it?

In a similar vein, a new tall building is going up next to Elephant & Castle station. Due to being surrounded by much, much lower constructions for a wide area, it stands out a mile, commanding the attention in a slightly sinister way. Before the top section was being covered by the outer shell, it was apparent that the frame is a giant cylinder topped by two huge, goat-ish horns. We have all seen enough films to understand that whoever takes up residence in the upper stories is a very bad person. Very, very bad. Worse even than Harchibald.

GOOD YEAR EXPECTED IN 2010

Based on the recent requirement of mere intent over results, UK-Jumping must be headed for two Nobel prizes in 2010. Literature, for although it is meandering drivel, there is a will to be better time permitting, and back up the web site with the greatest ever novel, probably involving a cataclysm being averted by Leighton Aspell. Also, Physics is in the offing, as the plan is to invent time travel in order to get tomorrow's racing results today. All that is needed is a short term loan on the funding.

NEW WORLD ORDER, BUT ON A NATIONAL SCALE

Two very popular topics of late have been the integrity of MPs in general (re expenses in particular) and the competence of cabinet ministers (especially the PM). The solution to all this is quite obvious. Ban all political parties, and ban all political advertising via any media between parliament breaking up and a general election. The candidates in each constituency all stand on their own name alone, having acquired a set number of names by petition of in-constituency electors that would consider them a sound candidate. Only a small amount of expense, reimbursed from the constituency returning office can be spent on electioneering, although a scheme to reimburse loss of earnings may be necessary to allow the full time employed the opportunity to stand. The only literature sent to the electorate is from the constituency returning office, which details the voting record of the sitting MP in the most recent parliament (for/against/abstained/absent for vote) and the cost of that MP over the life of the parliament - with a comparison to the previous one and the national average. Challengers would be obliged to state how they would have voted on a shortlist of twenty or so key issues. Voters then, instead of being lured by unsustainable or willfully false promises for the future, have the choice to re-elect a sound sitting MP, who is not hamstrung by the demands of party allegiance, or ditch anyone incompetent or dodgy, in favour of someone who may or may not be an improvement. Additional options on the voting form would be for any MP having served at least one previous term to be considered for a cabinet post, and any MP that has three terms or more for Prime Minister. Once in parliament, the elected MPs would then elect a cabinet of, say, fourteen from all qualifying MPs that had more than 50% of the constituency voters, and then repeat the exercise for the MPs qualified for the post of Prime Minister. Thus everything is genuinely resourced from the weight of democracy, and when the country is run by a gang of crooks and halfwits, it is only the electorate, and not just cronyism and party politics, to blame.

UK-JUMPING'S 6 UNIVERSAL PUNTING TRUTHS

Another idea that I have shameless ripped off from the Racing Post, but to save the suspense, they will be delivered in one hit, not as a series.

i) When the voices in your head give you a tip, back it. They are desperate to win your trust for when they need your help setting fire to something.

ii) The smaller the field, the lesser the big off-course bookies profit margin. Therefore, their love of all-weather racing is not for love of their customers.

iii) Never fear backing a market drifter, but check that it has four legs and head (preferably not all tied together) first, just in case.

iv) Any premonitions of racing results picked up in cheese dreams have a 75% chance of being true.

v) Despite what certain media people may lead you to believe, no jockey rides every single race all season to the 100% maximum of his talents, it is simply not possible to be infallible in any sport.

vi) If an acquaintance asks for a tip as a one-off on a special occasion, it will win. From this moment onwards it is not possible to tip them another winner, even if you both live to be 200.