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They are pretty much self-explanatory, with Putting Things Right modestly solving all of the world's problems, except for the ones on Why Oh Why, which refuse to go away, because there are enough people in the world that accept them as the norm. These people used to be known as village idiots, but we need a new buzzword for them now. And that is the vicious circle completed...

TARGET AUDIENCE?

There must be some people who will travel into the wildest depths of Essex to consume poor, over priced drinks and watch flat racing on the television. I do not know any of them, nor anyone who knows of them. What a strange business plan Great Leighs must have.

THE MAIN THREAT TO RACING IS...

That horses are evolving to be too clever. Let's not over estimate them, they are not exactly a wolf or a crow, but the evidence that horses are getting to clever is transparent just by watching Plumpton and Towcester. Every so often you used to get the odd jink at stables (Plumpton) or paddock exit (Towcester), but now instead of a once a season thing, it seems to be every race day. Which horse will be the first to bring some planks and knock up a pontoon bridge over the water jump? 

IF THEY GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS WRONG, WHAT CAN YOU TRUST TO BE RIGHT

A Racing Post journo, last week, mentioned an MC Hammer / jump racing paraphrased crossover with I Like Big Bucks' when the song was actually by Sir Mix-A-Lot. MC Hammer weighed about 8 stone and had big, baggy trousers. Sir Mix-A-Lot did not, but he did record a collaboration with Mudhoney, which earns eternal credibility, and you really can't touch that.

AINTREE REVIEW

The usual litany of horses that find it a step too far after Cheltenham, plus the impressive handful that handle both. What did we learn from the whole thing? 1) Even allowing for the changed course and distance, Master Minded showed that of something looks to good to be true, it probably is. 2) Phil Smith continues to habitually under-estimate the Irish trained horses when he does the Grand National weights. 3) Lots of people who are paid to be experts tipped horses carrying over 11 stone to win the Grand National. Shame on them for not accepting 20 years of history. This is not a statistical anomaly - since the fences have been made easier, the course specialists have been disadvantaged, and every pound not carried by the low weights is worth more in a 4m 4f race than a regular 3m. 

SEASON TO REMEMBER

We can only cut the cloth that we are given, and whilst no trainer would be complaining about a 1-2-3 in the Gold Cup, others have quiet contentment to be gained from less high profile achievement. In this respect, Zoe Davison has had a blinder, winning with not one, but two apparent eternal maidens in the same season. Before Christmas, Just Beware won her first race at the 42nd attempt. Then, just after Easter, Spider Boy opened his account at the 46th try. Both horses had been absolute legends of the Placepot, and won races that were not obviously weaker than ones in which they had failed in the past. Whatever the reason for sudden success, they provided two moments to savour.

BUT SOME PEOPLE AIN'T SO CLEVER

It has come to our attention that the musical version of 'The Lord Of The Rings' is to close. Who on earth thought that the vast legion of Tolkein fans were sitting around in the post-Peter Jackson world thinking that what they really needed for fulfillment was a musical version of trilogy of books that took nine hours to run through in the cinema, and still left out a smattering of non-essential bits? And did nobody draw a Venn diagram and spot that the section in which Tolkein fans and attendees of musicals overlapped was a wee bit on the small side? Fools, fools, fools, fools, fools.

CHELTENHAM REVIEW

Quite an eventful year, to say the least. The novice chases backed up the view that it was not a vintage year but at least Tidal Bay and Albertas Run won with an encouraging degree of authority. Good stuff in the novice hurdles, especially Captain Cee Bee and Binocular, where Robert Thornton was presumably joshing when he said that being on the outsider of the two JP McManus runners made him think he had no chance. They were 8/1 and 17/2. The Triumph, despite being a more selective race than normal, shaped as if any future impact will be over staying trips. The three mile novice was a cracking race on the day, but those at the London Racing Club's jumps preview might recall Eddie Fremantle's view that in it's short history, the race seems to have bottomed for good most of the serious combatants. 

In the Champion Hurdle, the idea that not one Irish horse would make the first three (the Bumper went more to script) was risible. This season's crop of novices should give Katchit, Osana and Punjabi plenty to think about next term. And despite all the evidence, some nutters still lumped on Harchibald. The bookmakers must have wet themselves laughing. As for the stayers, UK-Jumping always argued that Baracouda was an underestimated god, but Inglis Drever has outdone him, even with Kasbah Bliss now at a more suitable age for the race. 

The Queen Mother saw the most eye-catching win, but the way the race was run probably helped exaggerate Master Minded's superiority. After Aintree 2007 and the Tingle Creek, Twist Magic was supposed to be equally invincible. However, even in a more sensibly run race, surely the win would have been authoritative enough. The Ryanair Chase was. The Gold Cup was an anti-climax, in that Kauto Star was beaten such a long way out. This can be blamed on the the vast quantity of dull space-filling hype produced by Channel 4 and the Racing Post (there was some, but not much, informative hype). However, it was reported that worry in the build up to the 1983 race caused the hardly Bunter-esque Michael Dickinson to shed a couple of stone. The picture on the front of the Racing Post after the 2008 race proved that thankfully Paul Nicholls had not suffered the same way! The Foxhunters' was secured, unusually for a British winner, by a horse that qualified in points alone.

In some ways incompetence can benefit. I went into the betting shop on Thursday and noticed that Tamarinbleu was a non-runner. What I failed to spot was that it was for the Ryanair Chase, and not the Queen Mother, so I did not bother to back him for a fairly woeful effort. Saving money in that way is as satsifying as a winner! And by running Ma Yahab and Silverburn in the wrong races, they went unbacked and hindsight suggests that they probably would not have won the races they were fancied for. Flight Leader made a good fist of things at 100/1 until the second last, but the greatest horse in training, for the next week or so, is clearly Ballyfitz.

6 NATIONS REVIEW

As it was won by potentially the fourth best team, the tournament was not in any way satisfactory, and thank heavens there is not a Lions tour on the back of it. Although they do have Hook, Byrne and Jones R looking very decent, Wales were second best in two of their games. Somehow England and Ireland have metamorphosised into two versions of the same team. The fear is not just of defeat, but of trying anything that may not succeed, even if the worst case scenario is of no real harm done. How much better was the England - Ireland game after both teams shed their inhibitions? As it happened it did not work for the Irish on the day, but on other occasions it will. Add in a tendency to prefer players that are bald/shaven headed and a bit dim, and the problem is identified. Those favouring the experimental law variations in use for the Super 14 should note that in very few games have the scores been especially high there. A cautious mentality cannot be legislated against.

Paddy Power have priced up the 2009 tournament with England as favourites, but we have to presume that Thomas Lievremont is not totally insane, but used the tournament to fine tune his list of 'possibles' and their campaign next year will be more structured. Anyone in doubt can watch the French League games on Eurosport on Sunday evenings and there are plenty of splendid things to watch out for, not just the abysmal kits Stade Francais turn out in. On 23rd March, Stade play Toulouse at home. The 80,000 stadium is already sold out!

And finally, well done Italy. They got the win they deserved and were not the worst team in it. Amazingly, after Scotland scored one try in their first four games, some in the media mentioned Frank Haddon as a potential Lions coach. April 1st comes early this year!

TECTONICS NEWS

April 2007 - well reported earthquake at Folkestone. February 2008 - larger, well reported earthquake at Market Rasen. December 2008? Avoid areas with right handed, undulating jumps tracks. Carlisle, Exeter, Towcester and Sandown are no places to spend Christmas. 

TOP COMEDIAN STEALS MY IDEA

Although it has to be admitted that I had not, at the time, committed it to print. On 'The Late Edition' it was observed by Marcus Brigstocke that, after the fuss of bugging the MP in conversation with a constituent, MPs are the only people in the country that it is illegal to bug. The people who made this law were, erm, MPs, and the list of MPs who seem congenitally unable to act within the parliamentary rules, or even the law, is as long as a blue whale's penis. Which is a very appropriate analogy.

THE 2007 UK-JUMPING AWARDS

Same rules as last year - no prizes, just glory. Lots and lots of glory.

Horse of the Year

Terlan   (because he was the longest price on-course winner I backed all year)

Special mention for Phoenix Eye who was off course best, but backed out of blind allegiance to the 'to follow' lists rather than any great confidence

Trainer of the Year

Victor Dartnall   (for consistent solid results with the right sorts of horses and for keeping faith with his regular jockeys when horses emerge onto the big stage)

Jockey of the Year

Dominic Elsworth   (because the rides he has been getting since autumn mark him out as the new Leighton Aspell, a mighty accolade indeed)

Owner of the Year

The Secret Circle   (for persevering through 41 defeats with Just Beware, being rewarded with that elusive win and having the decency not to pretend that they were expecting it) 

Course of the Year

Perth   (because it is a rather splendid course, in a rather pleasant part of Scotland)

Special Achievement

Leighton Aspell     (for the lowest profile retirement by a top jockey that we will ever see)

Special mention for Andrew Thornton's nose, which is implausibly intact for a man who has been riding novice chasers for as long as he has!

UK-JUMPING'S 6 UNIVERSAL PUNTING TRUTHS

Another idea that I have shameless ripped off from the Racing Post, but to save the suspense, they will be delivered in one hit, not as a series.

i) When the voices in your head give you a tip, back it. They are desperate to win your trust for when they need your help setting fire to something.

ii) The smaller the field, the lesser the big off-course bookies profit margin. Therefore, their love of all-weather racing is not for love of their customers.

iii) Never fear backing a market drifter, but check that it has four legs and head (preferably not all tied together) first, just in case.

iv) Any premonitions of racing results picked up in cheese dreams have a 75% chance of being true.

v) Despite what certain media people may lead you to believe, no jockey rides every single race all season to the 100% maximum of his talents, it is simply not possible to be infallible in any sport.

vi) If an acquaintance asks for a tip as a one-off on a special occasion, it will win. From this moment onwards it is not possible to tip them another winner, even if you both live to be 200.