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They are pretty much self-explanatory, with Putting Things Right modestly solving all of the world's problems, except for the ones on Why Oh Why, which refuse to go away, because there are enough people in the world that accept them as the norm. These people used to be known as village idiots, but we need a new buzzword for them now. And that is the vicious circle completed...

CHELTENHAM 2010 PREVIEW

Despite reading the JP McManus interview in the Racing Post several times, and tried to interpret every word in every possible way, the bit where he names a horse and says, "The rider has been putting the Boston Strangler to shame and we are going to have a right touch at Huntingdon when everyone else is looking elsewhere" appears to have been edited out.

On the same day, there was a Ferdy Murphy feature. His yard is hitting form in the nick of time, so expect more heroic efforts in the handicap chases, not always by glaringly obvious selections, and especially those that got no mention in the article.

Reports that Roulez Cool is not 100%, even for what was stated to be a very minor setback, does move the goalposts in the Foxhunters. He seems to have ideal credentials should there be no further alarms.

5/3 update: The pick for the National Hunt Chase was Clan Tara. However, in looking it up, it did not go unnoticed that some rather tasty oppo could wind up in this instead of the RSA Chase, so a late rethink may be in order when the decs are known!

Snippets from the London Racing Club preview night, with Steve Smith Eccles, Dave Nevison and George Primarolo:

a) French Opera is a potential Arkle winner, but his trainer is sentimentally thinking Grand Annual – get on with non-runner, no bet.

b) The price of Zaynar is laughable, as are his chances.

c) Quevega is the best mare around by far and should be the shortest priced favourite of the meeting.

d) Get on Rite Of Passage now as there is every chance that the best oppo will drift into easier races.

e) There are some good horses in the RSA Chase, but jumping when the heat is on can be questioned – possible major upset here.

f) Master Minded is beatable and Kalahari King won the best two mile handicap chase in many a year with ease.

g) The Jewson looks to be between Hey Big Spender and Sunnyhillboy.

h) Big Buck’s is a worthy favourite but not invincible and Tidal Bay is a very serious threat. Time For Rupert a very good each way chance.

i) No evidence exists that the British juvenile hurdlers are anything out of the ordinary (including Mille Chief) but which Irish one will win it?

j) Restless Harry for the Albert Bartlett.

k) The Grand Annual has an uncanny knack for the winner being rated between 129 and 134.

Nap / Lay of the meeting

Dave Nevison: Tricky Trickster (without the big two and also each-way) in the Gold Cup / Dunguib

Steve Smith Eccles: Song Of Songs (runs on Thursday) / Dunguib

George Primarolo: Rite Of Passage / Master Minded

There is a lot of guff in the media building up to the Festival, much of it unoriginal or repetitive, even when interviewing people not often in the public eye the same things are said by different people about completely different horses. However, that said, the Racing Post interview with Robin Dickin on 1st March was well worth reading.

The first spectacular insight UK-Jumping can offer is that a dark horse has been uncovered for the four miler. It is trained in Ireland, but it's name has been temporarily forgotten. Keep coming back for revelations on an "as thought of" basis.

SPORTS BROADCASTING LATEST

So the glorious Six Nations retire on the proceeds bet did not come off. Clearly overlooking the reality that there is no such thing as a 16/1 certainty was a flawed approach, although like the BBC reporters after the France game, let us glibly witter on about incorrect tactics, whilst conveniently ignoring the fact that the difference in the game was two interception tries - not really a tactical issue. And the BBC team also might have made you think that the perpetrator of the second was man of the match based on his too-late-to-matter try the other way.

In fact, one of the big nonsenses that the BBC coverage sticks to is an inability to understand that rugby is almost always a game where territory is the most important factor. Teams rarely run in tries from a long way out, except in mismatches, but when a team is in the opponents territory, scoring chances come, via errors or penalties, with reguarlity. The Winter Olympics coverage has also exposed the mediocrity of the sports coverage that our licence fee pays for, as the commentators on Eurosport have been uniformly excellent - offering credible and useful insights, and considered and sensible criticism when things have gone wrong (speed skaters who can't count, the desperately uncompetitive women's ice hockey, weather conditions impacting the Alpine and Nordic skiing events etc).

However, the best moment, which I woke up just in time to hear, was in a break in the women's curling final, when the cameras closed in on the Canadians, expecting some profound insight, but got something better, which sadly did not appear on any highlights.

Coach: Do you want a banana?

Player: No thanks. (long pause). I hear my brother has turned up in a kilt - no-one wants to see that.

Coach: Yes, he has.

Player: What a drunken idiot.

SIX NATIONS OFF TO A FLYER - AS IN THE WRIGHT BROTHERS

Apologies for the lack of a preview, but the UK-Jumping view was with the consensus. Each of England, France, Ireland and Wales could end up in any of the first four places, Scotland were not beyond a minor shock and breaking that quartet. The one deviation was that Italy were not as bad as everyone else thought, but was there any money to be made on that, apart from match handicap betting?

Rather a mixed bag from the first games, but it has left us with a corking bet. Wales are now as long as 16/1 to win the title, on the back of losing a tough away game. Neither England nor Ireland looked invincible in their victories. France were far more impressive in attack against Scotland, but adopted an all-or-nothing defensive policy and seemed capable of conceding points. So the pre-match price of 4/6 for No Grand Slam looks sound. Therefore, if Wales win their remaining games, it all could easily go down to points difference. And they could, especially if the stand-off and centres start passing to each other instead of the surrounding spaces. If you backed Wales in each of the last four games and they won them, would the level stake profit be in excess of 10 points? Probably not. So the strategy seems to be back them, and be prepared to lay a little of it off in the last week should they be in with a squeak. 

PS The Tote's Superbowl special bets, not noticed until the day, included 7/1 on Pierre Garcon to score two or more touchdowns. As he is the rising force in the Colts' receiving team and any receiver on either team had a fair stab at two scores, that price was too big. Apologies for not getting this on the internet in time for the game (unless of course, it proves a dud bet).

RACING POST IN IRELAND

Apparently there is no truth in the rumour that the Irish version was launched because Coolmore felt they were not getting enough fawning praise in the British one...

POLITICAL INTEGRITY

So Gordon Brown's "all my woes" interview with with television's most putrid person (now that is an achievement!) was not a cynical timed nod to the impending, but unannounced election. We know this because it was assured by Alistair Campbell, the only man that Tony Blair can call on for "I want to be the honest one in this picture" poses.

MEANINGFUL STATS

The overall racecourse attendances were published in the press, and although variable factors make the comparisons against a single previous year statistically worthless, the pecking order itself was noteworthy. Of the 60 courses, the all-weather venues were 56th (Lingfield), 58th (Kempton), 59th (Southwell) and 60th (Wolverhampton). For all courses thinking of installing an artificial track, look at the people voting with their feet. In fact, it could have been worse for Kempton, because without the 30,000 people that attended the two days at Christmas, their average goes down from 1,164 to about 875, which is well below Southwell. Great Leighs was actually number 61, but with only four meetings was only included for pedants. In the same day's Racing Post, it was reported that the track was intended to be a "world class racing and betting venue." How it achieves the latter with four bookmakers and no racegoers was not explained... As Andy Stewart was quoted as saying this week, "If you don't have fans in the stadium, you will not progress."

THE 2009 UK-JUMPING AWARDS

Same rules as last year - no prizes, just glory. Lots and lots of glory.

Horse of the Year

King Ozzy   (because he was the longest price winner I backed all year)

Consolation in this award goes to Bally Sands, for his 100/1 second at Folkestone, in which he achieved all that was expected of him.

Trainer of the Year

Neil Mulholland   (because of his seventeen jumps winners, a dozen were in the sort of low level chases that this site admires greatly)

Jockey of the Year

Felix de Giles   (because he continues to ride well and be under used since the loss of his claim)

Owner of the Year

GS Brown   (for being both owner and breeder of the highly likeable Silver By Nature) 

Consolation in this goes to Mrs J Benson, for owning Fine By Me, whose popularity soared in December!

Course of the Year

Fakenham   (because it continues to give a completely civilised vibe)

Special Achievement

John Kettley  (because just as Haydock had managed to upset and alienate just about all of it's core customer base, he produced one disastrously off-kilter weather forecast with impeccable timing)

KAUTO STAR vs ARKLE

As the nature of the racing programme has changed, as well as the way in which horses are prepared, trained and ridden, trying to compare the two on ratings or form minutiae is pointless. Arkle won three Gold Cups, a King George and a shed load of other races intended for the best horses to run in. Kauto Star has two Gold Cups so far, four King Georges and a different shed load of other races intended for the best horses to run in. The absolute least that can be said of Kauto Star is that he is the best since Arkle...

CHINESE YEAR OF THE TIGER

Is the next one in line - follow this link to see the unique way in which it is being celebrated TIGER

A REAL WHY OH WHY MOMENT - DUBAI WORLD

Why, oh why, when an economy is built on expensive, vanity engineering projects, and the notoriously fickle tourist industry, is anyone surprised that it eventually all goes horribly wrong. 

ADVERTISING ALSO IN THE SPOTLIGHT

Air New Zealand have been running a series of animatronic ads in train stations, with the tag "personality allowed." The actions performed by the participants leave you thinking that the word "bright" was omitted from the front of the tag deliberately. And as for Microsoft, who do have a track record of bad ads, the message I am getting from them is "Windows 7. Designed by halfwits. For..."

ARCHITECTURE IN THE SPOTLIGHT

This will be meaningless to those unfamiliar with the London skyline, but, unusually for an inorganic object, the building known as The Gherkin seems to be gradually getting taller and fatter. Is this a by product of nicknaming it after a vegetable, that it takes on the characteristics of the nickname? Will it gradually absorb the rest of the city? Is it's main weapon that anyone who has spotted it's evil plan will be ridiculed for suggesting it?

In a similar vein, a new tall building is going up next to Elephant & Castle station. Due to being surrounded by much, much lower constructions for a wide area, it stands out a mile, commanding the attention in a slightly sinister way. Before the top section was being covered by the outer shell, it was apparent that the frame is a giant cylinder topped by two huge, goat-ish horns. We have all seen enough films to understand that whoever takes up residence in the upper stories is a very bad person. Very, very bad. Worse even than Harchibald.

GOOD YEAR EXPECTED IN 2010

Based on the recent requirement of mere intent over results, UK-Jumping must be headed for two Nobel prizes in 2010. Literature, for although it is meandering drivel, there is a will to be better time permitting, and back up the web site with the greatest ever novel, probably involving a cataclysm being averted by Leighton Aspell. Also, Physics is in the offing, as the plan is to invent time travel in order to get tomorrow's racing results today. All that is needed is a short term loan on the funding.

ANOTHER VARIETY OF THOUGHTS

After a two month jumps drought in the south-east, Fontwell returns to action, with an evening meeting. Inexplicably, the region's most off the beaten track course opts for a 5.05pm start. What's the point of having an evening meeting for that?

Much as everyone sane wants a new course with jumping to succeed, the fact that Ffos Las has has a jumps opening, a flat opening and an official opening (don't the earlier results count?), plus the fact that reviews of the place in the press read as if they were written by the track's PR team, sounds a note of caution. Substance counts, and they should spend money on being good, not just telling people that they are. There is a rumour that the next meeting is the official toilet opening, with racing featuring the £75,000 mile race, The Karzi Stakes.

Whilst most of the fake blood comments in rugby union have been quite sensible, i.e. amusingly Harlequins got caught, but plenty of other teams have been equally as guilty (just watch a struggling scrum in Super 14 match), some have tried to equate a pre-meditated con trick, provided for prior to the game, with the moments of illegal opportunity (offsides, early tackles etc) that players take on the spur of the moment. Which, in a game with a crowded pitch and plenty of genuine chaos, is like comparing a career burglar with someone who finds £20 in the street and pockets it.

In a similar vein, as a substantial number of Jocks whinge about the dodgy penalty in the Arsenal - Celtic game, they forget that the goal with the last kick of the game was Celtic's first on target all night - and I think they only had one in the home leg. And THAT is why they were eliminated.

Back to rugby, and Eurosport have lost the French Top 14 coverage to ESPN. Booooooo!

We all know that the daily newspaper concept is dying on it's feet, but the pathetic array of ads on television trying to cash in on the new football season reinforced the idea, and proved that those affected have not one original idea to reverse the tide.

When he receives offers of parts, does Eddie Murphy not have a single person who can sit down, read the script and just say, "Actually, Ed, I'd give this one a miss if I were you." And perhaps he could be shared with Steve Martin, every time he is asked to remake somebody else's classic character to say, "Remember Bilko, remember Clouseau."

Having praised Lee Mottershead below, his article on reasons why the city's Asian population do not frequent Leicester racecourse was a bit off kilter. Not due to invalidity of the reasons, such as cost, but because they apply to the whole population of any town/city with a track. Mind you, the bloke who bet £50 a race and but would not pay to enter the course, where he would be able to get better odds with a little effort in the ring than the single price shown in his betting shop must be a bookies dream. One winning bet would more than cover his admission fee.

A VARIETY OF THOUGHTS

Many people have tuned into the BBC website to watch the New Caledonian Crow that works out by observation that it can extract a worm from a glass by dropping stones in the water to make the level rise, and bring the floating treat within reach. Most people can applauded the intelligence of the crow, although I have heard one person suggest that therefore Archimedes was as dumb as a crow - and surprisingly it did not come from a preacher in Kansas. However, the next time a racing person mentions being superstitious about a magpie, do not scoff, because the devious corvids probably ARE plotting something.

There have been a few articles in the Racing Post lately (I think by Lee Mottershead and Laura Thompson) pointing out that in order to attract new REGULAR racegoers, the sport does not have to exclude anyone who is not part of the lowest common denominator. It compared with a couple of features interestingly. The GM at Brighton had a diary of his week containing their three day festival, and was constantly fretting about the weather. In the existing financial climate, is a course that relies on once a year attendees who give up if it rains going to be more successful than one that thinks of it's come-what-may-rain-or-shine regulars? My guess is the latter will do best. The other was the debate about cheerleaders at the Shergar Cup and this looks a classic case of an idea drummed up by marketing people who know the square root of nothing about sport. We all know that the idea derives from the US, where nobody goes to a sports event giving two hoots about the cheerleaders. In college sport, it is an opportunity for inclusion and participation without being part of the team that takes the field, and in professional sports the cheerleaders earn their corn as much, if not more, for the non-match day promotional and charitable events at which they represent the team. Neither of these scenarios apply to racing, not even the Shergar Cup.

Of course, unlike certain other sports, racing has not sold every last cubic millimetre of it's soul in search of a quick buck (and the quick bucks usually float away as quickly as they arrive), and the fact that every move it makes to help the large corporate bookmakers' turnover is greeted by them taking every step to block the sport from becoming financially independent should stop that happening. However, why do the corporates promote every other sport in their shops more than racing? Because they have no on-course SP and thus control the margins absolutely, and ultimately are responsible for their own profits on the sport.

 As you may have deduced, the jump racing seems particularly inaccessible in July and early August this year, and Rupert Murdoch's cronies have become intolerable long before the football season even starts. Still, in rugby nothing changes - Australia get murdered in the scrum (by South Africa, who, in fairness, murder everyone except Argentina) and Harlequins have been caught being naughty, to the great pleasure of every non-Quin in rugby.

NEW WORLD ORDER, BUT ON A NATIONAL SCALE

Two very popular topics of late have been the integrity of MPs in general (re expenses in particular) and the competence of cabinet ministers (especially the PM). The solution to all this is quite obvious. Ban all political parties, and ban all political advertising via any media between parliament breaking up and a general election. The candidates in each constituency all stand on their own name alone, having acquired a set number of names by petition of in-constituency electors that would consider them a sound candidate. Only a small amount of expense, reimbursed from the constituency returning office can be spent on electioneering, although a scheme to reimburse loss of earnings may be necessary to allow the full time employed the opportunity to stand. The only literature sent to the electorate is from the constituency returning office, which details the voting record of the sitting MP in the most recent parliament (for/against/abstained/absent for vote) and the cost of that MP over the life of the parliament - with a comparison to the previous one and the national average. Challengers would be obliged to state how they would have voted on a shortlist of twenty or so key issues. Voters then, instead of being lured by unsustainable or willfully false promises for the future, have the choice to re-elect a sound sitting MP, who is not hamstrung by the demands of party allegiance, or ditch anyone incompetent or dodgy, in favour of someone who may or may not be an improvement. Additional options on the voting form would be for any MP having served at least one previous term to be considered for a cabinet post, and any MP that has three terms or more for Prime Minister. Once in parliament, the elected MPs would then elect a cabinet of, say, fourteen from all qualifying MPs that had more than 50% of the constituency voters, and then repeat the exercise for the MPs qualified for the post of Prime Minister. Thus everything is genuinely resourced from the weight of democracy, and when the country is run by a gang of crooks and halfwits, it is only the electorate, and not just cronyism and party politics, to blame.

SO WHAT?

Who actually cares about the Sports Personality of the Year? Ever since the BBC Thought Police introduced a fixed list of nominees to prevent anyone genuinely popular from winning, it has become even more irrelevant. Although it does fit the BBC agenda of incessant talking about sport rather than actually showing any.* This has unamazingly got worse since Mihir Bose was appointed head of sport, after he spent years producing well intentioned, thoughtful and desperately dull articles in The Daily Telegraph. Perhaps the whole bloated farce (it has taken over Radio 5 as well) could be turned over to the Japanese whaling industry, keeping them occupied and saving a few cetaceans. 

* Remember the halcyon days of Grandstand and World Of Sport, where any lull in the live event saw a switch over to another event or highlight. A typical Saturday would see a horse race, a half of rugby, another race, target diving from Albuqueque, the second half of the rugby, cross country running from Gdansk, then Final Score. And no BOFs waffling on to fill the time.

SUCKING THE LIFE FORCE OUT

There is so much non-eventness going on at the moment, that it is no wonder the very life force is being drained out of the human race by some sort of spiritual vampire.

Stanford Series: No amount of money gives this any real worth. It is easy to imagine that instead of being selected to a game of excellence, the choice of England as the oppo was to maximise the chance of the team sporting the egomaniac sponsor's name winning.

Rugby League World Cup: Nothing they can do makes this tournament look anymore important than the Tri Nations, and until there is even a slight possibility of anyone other than Australia winning, it is a costly non-necessity.

US Election: Whoever may come out on top will still be in the grip of the same clique of advisors and lobbyists (standing up for bigger interests than a mere voter) as really calls the shots. Possibly equally sad is that so many people who should know better have been suckered into the idea that this time it will be different. If only you could bet on it not being so.

British Cabinet: The eternally corrupt Mandelson has returned, the eternally corrupt Blunkett is rumoured to be close behind. And, if we had a different government, would things be any different?

James Bond: Films descend even further into a product placement festival.

Abuse of anti-Terror legislation: Whether you are an Icelandic bank or someone putting their dustbin out a day early, I bet you never imagined that the authorities would have the cheek to exploit the dodgy legislation to immoral ends so soon!

The sooner we can all volunteer for deep space voyages and witness the wonders photographed by the Hubble Space Telescope, the better. As long as we can still pick up the jump racing on RUK and ATR.

UK-JUMPING'S 6 UNIVERSAL PUNTING TRUTHS

Another idea that I have shameless ripped off from the Racing Post, but to save the suspense, they will be delivered in one hit, not as a series.

i) When the voices in your head give you a tip, back it. They are desperate to win your trust for when they need your help setting fire to something.

ii) The smaller the field, the lesser the big off-course bookies profit margin. Therefore, their love of all-weather racing is not for love of their customers.

iii) Never fear backing a market drifter, but check that it has four legs and head (preferably not all tied together) first, just in case.

iv) Any premonitions of racing results picked up in cheese dreams have a 75% chance of being true.

v) Despite what certain media people may lead you to believe, no jockey rides every single race all season to the 100% maximum of his talents, it is simply not possible to be infallible in any sport.

vi) If an acquaintance asks for a tip as a one-off on a special occasion, it will win. From this moment onwards it is not possible to tip them another winner, even if you both live to be 200.